Wednesday, July 6, 2011
July 8, 2011
I can not believe it has been over two months since I have updated. However, nothing new to report. I am still happier than I have ever been, Husband is still gone (and living with his parents may I add...how sad...and proof that he has no initiative). My main concern is keeping things somewhat normal for my precious kids. GirlChild is having a harder time than anyone (except Husband). I feel bad for her but try to explain that I am doing what is best for everyone. She doesn't understand and I guess I can't expect her too, I just make sure I don't give her false hope in some areas. This is much harder than I had anticipated, but is so going to be worth it when all is said and done.
Saturday, April 30, 2011
April 30, 2011
Wow! So much has happened. Luckily, I have already lessened the shock of the upcoming news by saying that Husband and I have had conversations. He no longer lives here. He has been gone for two whole weeks and we are starting on week three. I have never been so happy! I feel like, for once, I have done the right thing. Actually, I feel AMAZING!! My attitude has changed (for the better, of course), I smile more than I have in a long time, and I feel FREE....free to be me! Coming come from work is exciting, not a chore because I am hiding from him and avoiding him. WOW, this is great!
We are seeing a counselor every Tuesday. I agreed to marriage counselling in order to try to get a grip on everything that was going thru my head, and mainly the fact that I was too chicken shit to outright admit I no longer wanted to be married. This has helped with our communication issues. But the main thing it has helped me to communicate is that I want a divorce. Just the ring of the word "divorce" excites me. No, it thrills me!!
I honestly feel like this is going to be a new beginning. Sadly (or silly) enough, the very first thing I want to do is redecorate my bedroom....lol. To me the bedroom symbolizes the fact that I have lost ME over the last 16 years. No way in hell would I ever have thought I would have the most boring, drab, brown bedroom. I am now envisioning apple green, maybe with black and white. That's right people, I got my sass back!
No new pretend boyfriend news. MohawkMan still leads the pack as the perfect pretend boyfriend and the best slow dancer EVER. Slow dancing is sexy as hell. Damn, it's so sexy.
Still trying to work my way back to running. I have walked a couple of times, but it's not the same. Hopefully I will get my ass in gear soon. Especially since I may be a single lady one day soon! ;)
We are seeing a counselor every Tuesday. I agreed to marriage counselling in order to try to get a grip on everything that was going thru my head, and mainly the fact that I was too chicken shit to outright admit I no longer wanted to be married. This has helped with our communication issues. But the main thing it has helped me to communicate is that I want a divorce. Just the ring of the word "divorce" excites me. No, it thrills me!!
I honestly feel like this is going to be a new beginning. Sadly (or silly) enough, the very first thing I want to do is redecorate my bedroom....lol. To me the bedroom symbolizes the fact that I have lost ME over the last 16 years. No way in hell would I ever have thought I would have the most boring, drab, brown bedroom. I am now envisioning apple green, maybe with black and white. That's right people, I got my sass back!
No new pretend boyfriend news. MohawkMan still leads the pack as the perfect pretend boyfriend and the best slow dancer EVER. Slow dancing is sexy as hell. Damn, it's so sexy.
Still trying to work my way back to running. I have walked a couple of times, but it's not the same. Hopefully I will get my ass in gear soon. Especially since I may be a single lady one day soon! ;)
Saturday, April 16, 2011
April 16, 2011
Baby steps. I am making baby steps. Husband and I have actually had CONVERSATIONS...this is HUGE!! He has cried while I stared at him dumbfounded. I guess I am all cried out because I never shed a tear. We still have not dug down into all the really serious shit, but he has identified there is a problem. The band aid ripping won't be so bad if I ever get the balls to do it. It is so much harder than I thought it would be. We don't fight, so I can't just blurt it out. It WILL happen though. IT WILL!
All pretend relationships have not changed. I still have self-esteem. I have not run lately and I can tell. Will remedy that soon. More info to come, when band aid is removed.
All pretend relationships have not changed. I still have self-esteem. I have not run lately and I can tell. Will remedy that soon. More info to come, when band aid is removed.
Saturday, February 26, 2011
February 29, 2011
If I could get a penny for every tear I have shed lately, I would be rich. I am emotionally challenged. Or maybe just overly emotional lately. I am not sure. All I know is that just when I thought I was already one big, hot mess; I managed to top my mental instability level. I am one messed up lady right now. I realize now that the last 15 years of hidings my true feelings has messed with me bad. I cry on the way to work. I cry at work. I cry during lunch (where I sit in the park with a cup of Starbucks). I cry on the way home. I cry at night. I have never cried like this in my life. It is real now. I know I have to tell Husband how I really feel. Part of me doesn't want to hurt his feelings and the other part wants to have all his shit packed with a note that says "Have a nice life" sitting on the porch. I had absolutely no idea it would be this hard. Dammit.
MohawkMan is basically my best friend (with no disrespect to BFF...we can't help we live hours away). He lets me cry like a crazy fool while he hugs me or holds my hand. He doesn't pressure me or push me to make a decision. He just tells me he knows I will make the right choice for me when the time comes. How come his helping actually makes it worse at times?
Nothing new has occurred other than my new emotional meltdowns that happen sporadically 24/7. Xanax helps, but doesn't solve problems, just cuts back on the crying jags. I never thought this would be so hard. Dammit.
MohawkMan is basically my best friend (with no disrespect to BFF...we can't help we live hours away). He lets me cry like a crazy fool while he hugs me or holds my hand. He doesn't pressure me or push me to make a decision. He just tells me he knows I will make the right choice for me when the time comes. How come his helping actually makes it worse at times?
Nothing new has occurred other than my new emotional meltdowns that happen sporadically 24/7. Xanax helps, but doesn't solve problems, just cuts back on the crying jags. I never thought this would be so hard. Dammit.
Saturday, January 15, 2011
January 15, 2011
Wow. Things have been CRAZY lately. There is one thing I must start off with....I know, for a fact, as of right this very second, I HAVE SELF ESTEEM! Here, I will prove it...I am beautiful, I am smart (OK, that can be questionable at times), I am funny, I can participate in witty banter, I will get my degree, and I will get a fabulous job doing something I love. I am awesome! lol However, I am still scared to "rip the band aid off" and tell Husband how miserable I am. Maybe that will come in time...sooner rather than later.
OK, time for pretend relationship rundown...
CougarBoy: back with TrifflinHo after a brief break during Christmas. His smile still causes angels to sing and he still makes this Cougar feel like a hot momma. He is funny and gets mad (in a pretend way) when HotDoctor comes around.
HotDoctor: tells me I am worthy of everything I dream of. Who wouldn't want to hear that?? Calls my kids "our" kids and has a smile that makes that little cartoon glimmer when he busts it out. He may be the most beautiful creature God has created (other than my children, of course). Still causes my heart to flip flop when he says my name. Damn, he is beautiful.
StudyBuddy: Over. Done. Cut up in class, laugh, and snicker. That's it and I am cool with that.
MohawkMan: WOW. I have saved the best for last!! Ohhh wee! He is the nicest person I have ever known. He comes to visit me at work. He brings Starbucks. Really, a man who delivers Starbucks? Ohhhh yeah, that's what mamma likes! He brings roses...and enough for everyone who works with me. I think they all have a crush on him too right now! Mine is more than a crush though. He is awesome. He is sweet. He is caring, and tender, and wonderful, and fabulous, and protective, and he loves me. I mean he REALLY loves me. He tells me. He tells me all the time. He tells that I am beautiful, smart, strong, and that he loves me. Oh My. It is wonderful. He is not pretend, he is real. And I am glad. This may be the thing that gives me strength to "rip the band aid off" of my marriage. Do I think he and I will skip off into the sunset happily ever after? No. Am I ready for that? No. Do I think he is what I need right now, at this moment, in my life? Yes. He is here for a reason. He is here to hold my hand and tell me it is going to be alright. And that is what I need, a hand holder. And if that hand holder wants to tell me I am beautiful, smart, and strong; then I will let him. I have told him that this will be messy and ugly before it is all over, but he doesn't care. He only worries about me and the kids, not about himself. Where was he when I was single? Oh yeah, elementary school...lol. Did I mention he is 10 years younger? Mmmmm hmmm.
OK, time for pretend relationship rundown...
CougarBoy: back with TrifflinHo after a brief break during Christmas. His smile still causes angels to sing and he still makes this Cougar feel like a hot momma. He is funny and gets mad (in a pretend way) when HotDoctor comes around.
HotDoctor: tells me I am worthy of everything I dream of. Who wouldn't want to hear that?? Calls my kids "our" kids and has a smile that makes that little cartoon glimmer when he busts it out. He may be the most beautiful creature God has created (other than my children, of course). Still causes my heart to flip flop when he says my name. Damn, he is beautiful.
StudyBuddy: Over. Done. Cut up in class, laugh, and snicker. That's it and I am cool with that.
MohawkMan: WOW. I have saved the best for last!! Ohhh wee! He is the nicest person I have ever known. He comes to visit me at work. He brings Starbucks. Really, a man who delivers Starbucks? Ohhhh yeah, that's what mamma likes! He brings roses...and enough for everyone who works with me. I think they all have a crush on him too right now! Mine is more than a crush though. He is awesome. He is sweet. He is caring, and tender, and wonderful, and fabulous, and protective, and he loves me. I mean he REALLY loves me. He tells me. He tells me all the time. He tells that I am beautiful, smart, strong, and that he loves me. Oh My. It is wonderful. He is not pretend, he is real. And I am glad. This may be the thing that gives me strength to "rip the band aid off" of my marriage. Do I think he and I will skip off into the sunset happily ever after? No. Am I ready for that? No. Do I think he is what I need right now, at this moment, in my life? Yes. He is here for a reason. He is here to hold my hand and tell me it is going to be alright. And that is what I need, a hand holder. And if that hand holder wants to tell me I am beautiful, smart, and strong; then I will let him. I have told him that this will be messy and ugly before it is all over, but he doesn't care. He only worries about me and the kids, not about himself. Where was he when I was single? Oh yeah, elementary school...lol. Did I mention he is 10 years younger? Mmmmm hmmm.
Monday, January 3, 2011
January 3, 2011
I can not believe it has been almost a month since I have blogged. SO much has happened and it has been SO busy! I don't even know if I can organize my thoughts enough right now to update everything. I am still alive. My marriage still stinks. StudyBuddy is actually just a classmate now and MohawkMan has stolen my heart. HotDoctor and I had a heart to heart which involved me sobbing and him telling me I deserve better than Husband. Wow...a lot has occured. I will outline (because I am OCD) this whole update and get back later today or tomorrow. I have been an emotional basketcase and have shed more tears in the last month than I think I have in the last ten years. It's all good though. I know now that I actually DO have self esteem and that this is all going to work out in the end. My story WILL have an happy ending DAMMIT!! lol
Monday, December 6, 2010
December 6, 2010
Wow. Things have changed since I posted last. Good news is that I have lost 6 pounds! Yeahhhh! And this was weighting AFTER Thanksgiving and AFTER I had just had a big celebration luncheon at work....FINALLY, I feel like the running is starting to kick in. I feel awesome! I needed that loss as some new found motivation.
On the homefront, I think it has finally kicked in . We just celebrated (if you want to call acknowledging to each other in the unemotional words "happy anniversary" and moving about our day a "celebration") our 15th wedding anniversary. I have decided I don't want to have a 16th. I also realize I must now inform Husband that I am not happy. Of course, I have decided to do this AFTER we give everyone the family portraits we had made for Christmas presents. These pictures are the only photographs of all four of us ever taken, which is very pitiful and a testiment to our sad marriage. Let our families enjoy the pictures for a while, then I will proceed with the revelation. Where it goes from the revelation, we shall see.
StudyBuddy and I have fizzled out. Which is fine. We still flirt in class, and I guess he tries to get me to study with him, but I just keep making excusing and moving on. I think we all saw this coming in my last post. No more excitement.
However, MohawkMan has made a strong leap to the #1 pretend relationship spot. The things this man says to me are unbelievable. I now believe I am beautiful because he tells me multiple times a day that I am. I think I might have some inner self esteem creeping out....I love it! He is so sweet, tender hearted, and kind. Also, I had not seen him in over a year or so, so I would like to retract my last statement of "I am not attracted to him..." because, wow, I am. He has a Mohawk again, new tats, and been working out. WOW. It is good stuff! And he has introduced me to a new exercise program called "slow dancing". There is NOTHING sexier than a man who loves to slow dance. AND, if that man has actual rhythm...WOW. Dancing is my new love. I am burning calories AND being told I am beautiful AND having someone run their fingers thru my hair AND having someone hold my face and look directy into my eyes. This is good stuff people!
Thats all I have time for today. More later!
On the homefront, I think it has finally kicked in . We just celebrated (if you want to call acknowledging to each other in the unemotional words "happy anniversary" and moving about our day a "celebration") our 15th wedding anniversary. I have decided I don't want to have a 16th. I also realize I must now inform Husband that I am not happy. Of course, I have decided to do this AFTER we give everyone the family portraits we had made for Christmas presents. These pictures are the only photographs of all four of us ever taken, which is very pitiful and a testiment to our sad marriage. Let our families enjoy the pictures for a while, then I will proceed with the revelation. Where it goes from the revelation, we shall see.
StudyBuddy and I have fizzled out. Which is fine. We still flirt in class, and I guess he tries to get me to study with him, but I just keep making excusing and moving on. I think we all saw this coming in my last post. No more excitement.
However, MohawkMan has made a strong leap to the #1 pretend relationship spot. The things this man says to me are unbelievable. I now believe I am beautiful because he tells me multiple times a day that I am. I think I might have some inner self esteem creeping out....I love it! He is so sweet, tender hearted, and kind. Also, I had not seen him in over a year or so, so I would like to retract my last statement of "I am not attracted to him..." because, wow, I am. He has a Mohawk again, new tats, and been working out. WOW. It is good stuff! And he has introduced me to a new exercise program called "slow dancing". There is NOTHING sexier than a man who loves to slow dance. AND, if that man has actual rhythm...WOW. Dancing is my new love. I am burning calories AND being told I am beautiful AND having someone run their fingers thru my hair AND having someone hold my face and look directy into my eyes. This is good stuff people!
Thats all I have time for today. More later!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)