If I could get a penny for every tear I have shed lately, I would be rich. I am emotionally challenged. Or maybe just overly emotional lately. I am not sure. All I know is that just when I thought I was already one big, hot mess; I managed to top my mental instability level. I am one messed up lady right now. I realize now that the last 15 years of hidings my true feelings has messed with me bad. I cry on the way to work. I cry at work. I cry during lunch (where I sit in the park with a cup of Starbucks). I cry on the way home. I cry at night. I have never cried like this in my life. It is real now. I know I have to tell Husband how I really feel. Part of me doesn't want to hurt his feelings and the other part wants to have all his shit packed with a note that says "Have a nice life" sitting on the porch. I had absolutely no idea it would be this hard. Dammit.
MohawkMan is basically my best friend (with no disrespect to BFF...we can't help we live hours away). He lets me cry like a crazy fool while he hugs me or holds my hand. He doesn't pressure me or push me to make a decision. He just tells me he knows I will make the right choice for me when the time comes. How come his helping actually makes it worse at times?
Nothing new has occurred other than my new emotional meltdowns that happen sporadically 24/7. Xanax helps, but doesn't solve problems, just cuts back on the crying jags. I never thought this would be so hard. Dammit.
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Saturday, January 15, 2011
January 15, 2011
Wow. Things have been CRAZY lately. There is one thing I must start off with....I know, for a fact, as of right this very second, I HAVE SELF ESTEEM! Here, I will prove it...I am beautiful, I am smart (OK, that can be questionable at times), I am funny, I can participate in witty banter, I will get my degree, and I will get a fabulous job doing something I love. I am awesome! lol However, I am still scared to "rip the band aid off" and tell Husband how miserable I am. Maybe that will come in time...sooner rather than later.
OK, time for pretend relationship rundown...
CougarBoy: back with TrifflinHo after a brief break during Christmas. His smile still causes angels to sing and he still makes this Cougar feel like a hot momma. He is funny and gets mad (in a pretend way) when HotDoctor comes around.
HotDoctor: tells me I am worthy of everything I dream of. Who wouldn't want to hear that?? Calls my kids "our" kids and has a smile that makes that little cartoon glimmer when he busts it out. He may be the most beautiful creature God has created (other than my children, of course). Still causes my heart to flip flop when he says my name. Damn, he is beautiful.
StudyBuddy: Over. Done. Cut up in class, laugh, and snicker. That's it and I am cool with that.
MohawkMan: WOW. I have saved the best for last!! Ohhh wee! He is the nicest person I have ever known. He comes to visit me at work. He brings Starbucks. Really, a man who delivers Starbucks? Ohhhh yeah, that's what mamma likes! He brings roses...and enough for everyone who works with me. I think they all have a crush on him too right now! Mine is more than a crush though. He is awesome. He is sweet. He is caring, and tender, and wonderful, and fabulous, and protective, and he loves me. I mean he REALLY loves me. He tells me. He tells me all the time. He tells that I am beautiful, smart, strong, and that he loves me. Oh My. It is wonderful. He is not pretend, he is real. And I am glad. This may be the thing that gives me strength to "rip the band aid off" of my marriage. Do I think he and I will skip off into the sunset happily ever after? No. Am I ready for that? No. Do I think he is what I need right now, at this moment, in my life? Yes. He is here for a reason. He is here to hold my hand and tell me it is going to be alright. And that is what I need, a hand holder. And if that hand holder wants to tell me I am beautiful, smart, and strong; then I will let him. I have told him that this will be messy and ugly before it is all over, but he doesn't care. He only worries about me and the kids, not about himself. Where was he when I was single? Oh yeah, elementary school...lol. Did I mention he is 10 years younger? Mmmmm hmmm.
OK, time for pretend relationship rundown...
CougarBoy: back with TrifflinHo after a brief break during Christmas. His smile still causes angels to sing and he still makes this Cougar feel like a hot momma. He is funny and gets mad (in a pretend way) when HotDoctor comes around.
HotDoctor: tells me I am worthy of everything I dream of. Who wouldn't want to hear that?? Calls my kids "our" kids and has a smile that makes that little cartoon glimmer when he busts it out. He may be the most beautiful creature God has created (other than my children, of course). Still causes my heart to flip flop when he says my name. Damn, he is beautiful.
StudyBuddy: Over. Done. Cut up in class, laugh, and snicker. That's it and I am cool with that.
MohawkMan: WOW. I have saved the best for last!! Ohhh wee! He is the nicest person I have ever known. He comes to visit me at work. He brings Starbucks. Really, a man who delivers Starbucks? Ohhhh yeah, that's what mamma likes! He brings roses...and enough for everyone who works with me. I think they all have a crush on him too right now! Mine is more than a crush though. He is awesome. He is sweet. He is caring, and tender, and wonderful, and fabulous, and protective, and he loves me. I mean he REALLY loves me. He tells me. He tells me all the time. He tells that I am beautiful, smart, strong, and that he loves me. Oh My. It is wonderful. He is not pretend, he is real. And I am glad. This may be the thing that gives me strength to "rip the band aid off" of my marriage. Do I think he and I will skip off into the sunset happily ever after? No. Am I ready for that? No. Do I think he is what I need right now, at this moment, in my life? Yes. He is here for a reason. He is here to hold my hand and tell me it is going to be alright. And that is what I need, a hand holder. And if that hand holder wants to tell me I am beautiful, smart, and strong; then I will let him. I have told him that this will be messy and ugly before it is all over, but he doesn't care. He only worries about me and the kids, not about himself. Where was he when I was single? Oh yeah, elementary school...lol. Did I mention he is 10 years younger? Mmmmm hmmm.
Monday, January 3, 2011
January 3, 2011
I can not believe it has been almost a month since I have blogged. SO much has happened and it has been SO busy! I don't even know if I can organize my thoughts enough right now to update everything. I am still alive. My marriage still stinks. StudyBuddy is actually just a classmate now and MohawkMan has stolen my heart. HotDoctor and I had a heart to heart which involved me sobbing and him telling me I deserve better than Husband. Wow...a lot has occured. I will outline (because I am OCD) this whole update and get back later today or tomorrow. I have been an emotional basketcase and have shed more tears in the last month than I think I have in the last ten years. It's all good though. I know now that I actually DO have self esteem and that this is all going to work out in the end. My story WILL have an happy ending DAMMIT!! lol
Monday, December 6, 2010
December 6, 2010
Wow. Things have changed since I posted last. Good news is that I have lost 6 pounds! Yeahhhh! And this was weighting AFTER Thanksgiving and AFTER I had just had a big celebration luncheon at work....FINALLY, I feel like the running is starting to kick in. I feel awesome! I needed that loss as some new found motivation.
On the homefront, I think it has finally kicked in . We just celebrated (if you want to call acknowledging to each other in the unemotional words "happy anniversary" and moving about our day a "celebration") our 15th wedding anniversary. I have decided I don't want to have a 16th. I also realize I must now inform Husband that I am not happy. Of course, I have decided to do this AFTER we give everyone the family portraits we had made for Christmas presents. These pictures are the only photographs of all four of us ever taken, which is very pitiful and a testiment to our sad marriage. Let our families enjoy the pictures for a while, then I will proceed with the revelation. Where it goes from the revelation, we shall see.
StudyBuddy and I have fizzled out. Which is fine. We still flirt in class, and I guess he tries to get me to study with him, but I just keep making excusing and moving on. I think we all saw this coming in my last post. No more excitement.
However, MohawkMan has made a strong leap to the #1 pretend relationship spot. The things this man says to me are unbelievable. I now believe I am beautiful because he tells me multiple times a day that I am. I think I might have some inner self esteem creeping out....I love it! He is so sweet, tender hearted, and kind. Also, I had not seen him in over a year or so, so I would like to retract my last statement of "I am not attracted to him..." because, wow, I am. He has a Mohawk again, new tats, and been working out. WOW. It is good stuff! And he has introduced me to a new exercise program called "slow dancing". There is NOTHING sexier than a man who loves to slow dance. AND, if that man has actual rhythm...WOW. Dancing is my new love. I am burning calories AND being told I am beautiful AND having someone run their fingers thru my hair AND having someone hold my face and look directy into my eyes. This is good stuff people!
Thats all I have time for today. More later!
On the homefront, I think it has finally kicked in . We just celebrated (if you want to call acknowledging to each other in the unemotional words "happy anniversary" and moving about our day a "celebration") our 15th wedding anniversary. I have decided I don't want to have a 16th. I also realize I must now inform Husband that I am not happy. Of course, I have decided to do this AFTER we give everyone the family portraits we had made for Christmas presents. These pictures are the only photographs of all four of us ever taken, which is very pitiful and a testiment to our sad marriage. Let our families enjoy the pictures for a while, then I will proceed with the revelation. Where it goes from the revelation, we shall see.
StudyBuddy and I have fizzled out. Which is fine. We still flirt in class, and I guess he tries to get me to study with him, but I just keep making excusing and moving on. I think we all saw this coming in my last post. No more excitement.
However, MohawkMan has made a strong leap to the #1 pretend relationship spot. The things this man says to me are unbelievable. I now believe I am beautiful because he tells me multiple times a day that I am. I think I might have some inner self esteem creeping out....I love it! He is so sweet, tender hearted, and kind. Also, I had not seen him in over a year or so, so I would like to retract my last statement of "I am not attracted to him..." because, wow, I am. He has a Mohawk again, new tats, and been working out. WOW. It is good stuff! And he has introduced me to a new exercise program called "slow dancing". There is NOTHING sexier than a man who loves to slow dance. AND, if that man has actual rhythm...WOW. Dancing is my new love. I am burning calories AND being told I am beautiful AND having someone run their fingers thru my hair AND having someone hold my face and look directy into my eyes. This is good stuff people!
Thats all I have time for today. More later!
Thursday, November 25, 2010
November 25, 2010
"A relationship that is so enticing to us precisely because it is forbidden is nothing but a decoratively painted door to a cavernous pit."
I am not sure where I got this quote, I am fairly confident it is from Beth Moore's book "Get Out of That Pit!" It hit me so hard that I wrote it down about 2 years ago. I just found it written in a notebook I was about to throw away and it hit me even harder this time. It hit the nail right on the head....."enticing to us precisely because it is forbidden". Wow. That is it! That is that feeling I get in the pit of my stomach, the butterflies, just the overall "high" of doing "forbidden" things. It took me back to days when I drank all the time. I needed that "buzz" so I could deal with all the crap in my life then. Like now, when I search for things "forbidden" to fill that void in my life. Alcohol. StudyBuddy. What the hell am I doing? I know the whole StudyBuddy thing is WRONG. It is "forbidden". And I know that is why I like it. I have always had a thing for the bad boys, love the thrill of doing things I know are naughty. Just the word "naughty" excites me!
No wonder StudyBuddy was such as easy transition. It was naughty and I needed some naughty in my boring life, or so I thought. I thought it would be just the thrill I needed to make me get that "high" I needed. If there is one thing I have learned, it is that you are only high for so long. Eventually you begin to look for a new high, something that keeps you higher longer. Then you discover you have topped out. Thus, StudyBuddy is losing its appeal. I don't get that "thrill" when we plan study time. I don't know if it doesn't feel as "forbidden" as it did before, or if it is just becoming too real. It is just another man who reminds me that I am in second place. Second to his StudyWife, the study partner he calls whenever it is convenient for him, whenever he can "work me in" to his study schedule. I am too fucked up to handle one dysfunctional relationship and now I plan on juggling TWO?? Please, this is a disaster waiting to happen. I am not mentally stable enough to be rejected by StudyBuddy, and I guess I know it will eventually happen. Maybe I am making it less thrilling just to save myself the hurt in the end, and that is okay by me.
Another part of this new "revelation" is that a friend has starting texting me a lot. We used to work together and we were always flirty. But let's be honest, I am flirty with everyone! He is so sweet. He always make me feel special. BOOOM! That is it....HE MAKES ME FEEL SPECIAL. That is all I want, TO FEEL SPECIAL. Why can I not do it on my own? Why do I need to have someone else validate that I am special? I wish I knew. He is just so damn nice!! He always asks about school, how's work going, how are the kids, etc. He actually seems to give a shit. And he calls me "luv" and "sugar muffin" and "precious". This is highly ironic considering he is covered in tats and has multiple piercings...looks like a tough guy, but is a sweetheart. I think I will call him MohawkMan. He had one once and it was HOT!! I am not attracted to him at all, but I can't help but converse with him if he keeps being so damn sweet.
CougarBoy....makes me feel special. I am almost 40, he is 20 and spends 8 hours a day flirting with me....he makes me feel special. HotDoctor....makes me feel special. He's hot, he flirts....he makes me feel special. StudyBuddy is not making me feel so special right now. Husband....does not make me feel special. Every now and then he will say or do something that catches me off guard, but for most, not special. I am seeing that the pretend relationships are way more stable than the real ones!
New thought: Do I make Husband feel special? I doubt it. I try to be the nice, loving wife who cooks, cleans, and cares for the kids; but making him feel special, I don't know. We have always had the type of relationship that isn't all "lovey dovey" or"huggy kissy", but even when we communicate with words, I don't think we try very hard. Damn, I am confused. I don't even know what I do or don't do in my own marriage....how sad.
I am not sure where I got this quote, I am fairly confident it is from Beth Moore's book "Get Out of That Pit!" It hit me so hard that I wrote it down about 2 years ago. I just found it written in a notebook I was about to throw away and it hit me even harder this time. It hit the nail right on the head....."enticing to us precisely because it is forbidden". Wow. That is it! That is that feeling I get in the pit of my stomach, the butterflies, just the overall "high" of doing "forbidden" things. It took me back to days when I drank all the time. I needed that "buzz" so I could deal with all the crap in my life then. Like now, when I search for things "forbidden" to fill that void in my life. Alcohol. StudyBuddy. What the hell am I doing? I know the whole StudyBuddy thing is WRONG. It is "forbidden". And I know that is why I like it. I have always had a thing for the bad boys, love the thrill of doing things I know are naughty. Just the word "naughty" excites me!
No wonder StudyBuddy was such as easy transition. It was naughty and I needed some naughty in my boring life, or so I thought. I thought it would be just the thrill I needed to make me get that "high" I needed. If there is one thing I have learned, it is that you are only high for so long. Eventually you begin to look for a new high, something that keeps you higher longer. Then you discover you have topped out. Thus, StudyBuddy is losing its appeal. I don't get that "thrill" when we plan study time. I don't know if it doesn't feel as "forbidden" as it did before, or if it is just becoming too real. It is just another man who reminds me that I am in second place. Second to his StudyWife, the study partner he calls whenever it is convenient for him, whenever he can "work me in" to his study schedule. I am too fucked up to handle one dysfunctional relationship and now I plan on juggling TWO?? Please, this is a disaster waiting to happen. I am not mentally stable enough to be rejected by StudyBuddy, and I guess I know it will eventually happen. Maybe I am making it less thrilling just to save myself the hurt in the end, and that is okay by me.
Another part of this new "revelation" is that a friend has starting texting me a lot. We used to work together and we were always flirty. But let's be honest, I am flirty with everyone! He is so sweet. He always make me feel special. BOOOM! That is it....HE MAKES ME FEEL SPECIAL. That is all I want, TO FEEL SPECIAL. Why can I not do it on my own? Why do I need to have someone else validate that I am special? I wish I knew. He is just so damn nice!! He always asks about school, how's work going, how are the kids, etc. He actually seems to give a shit. And he calls me "luv" and "sugar muffin" and "precious". This is highly ironic considering he is covered in tats and has multiple piercings...looks like a tough guy, but is a sweetheart. I think I will call him MohawkMan. He had one once and it was HOT!! I am not attracted to him at all, but I can't help but converse with him if he keeps being so damn sweet.
CougarBoy....makes me feel special. I am almost 40, he is 20 and spends 8 hours a day flirting with me....he makes me feel special. HotDoctor....makes me feel special. He's hot, he flirts....he makes me feel special. StudyBuddy is not making me feel so special right now. Husband....does not make me feel special. Every now and then he will say or do something that catches me off guard, but for most, not special. I am seeing that the pretend relationships are way more stable than the real ones!
New thought: Do I make Husband feel special? I doubt it. I try to be the nice, loving wife who cooks, cleans, and cares for the kids; but making him feel special, I don't know. We have always had the type of relationship that isn't all "lovey dovey" or"huggy kissy", but even when we communicate with words, I don't think we try very hard. Damn, I am confused. I don't even know what I do or don't do in my own marriage....how sad.
Monday, November 22, 2010
November 22, 2010
I just got off the treadmill. I am still sweating as I write this. Husband picked up treadmill, assembled it, and carted off the old one all within a 48 hour period. That, my friend, is a Christmas miracle. The fact that he even gave a rat's ass about my treadmill was amazing. He has really stepped it up a notch lately. BFF says its because I bought all new small, lacy, "cheeky" panties. Either he really likes them, or he is really suspicious. Either one is fine with me as long as things are getting done!
StudyBuddy has acquired a heightened sense of paranoia. However, not enough so that he thinks we should stop studying all together. He only wants to cut out the after class study sessions. Fine by me. They are past my bedtime anyway. Study lunches are still on and they are the best. The amount of studying we can do during lunch time is amazing! The rest of the day I spend on cloud nine. Studying is good for my soul. We plan on studying tomorrow for lunch. Yeahhhhh me!
CougarBoy is still beautiful. When he smiles, I swear, angels sing. He is still with TrifflinHo. Whore. We went out the other night for a friends birthday. He fed me chips and salsa. I liked it. Damn, did I like it.
I think that is all I have for right now. I have to work on my paper for class, and get ready to study tomorrow!
StudyBuddy has acquired a heightened sense of paranoia. However, not enough so that he thinks we should stop studying all together. He only wants to cut out the after class study sessions. Fine by me. They are past my bedtime anyway. Study lunches are still on and they are the best. The amount of studying we can do during lunch time is amazing! The rest of the day I spend on cloud nine. Studying is good for my soul. We plan on studying tomorrow for lunch. Yeahhhhh me!
CougarBoy is still beautiful. When he smiles, I swear, angels sing. He is still with TrifflinHo. Whore. We went out the other night for a friends birthday. He fed me chips and salsa. I liked it. Damn, did I like it.
I think that is all I have for right now. I have to work on my paper for class, and get ready to study tomorrow!
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
November 17, 2010
My treadmill died. It was old. I miss it dearly. I have not run. I need to run. I NEED TO RUN!! I REALLY REALLY REALLY NEED TO RUN!!
I have had no time to write. I need to write. I REALLY NEED TO WRITE!!
I have now discovered that there are two things that help me vent. They also help me to reduce my stress level. Running and writing.
I have a new treadmill. It is at Sears waiting for Husband (or anyone else I can beg) to pick it up. The old treadmill waits to be carried off.
I am stressed. VERY STRESSED. And I have no time to write, have I mentioned that????
I have had no time to write. I need to write. I REALLY NEED TO WRITE!!
I have now discovered that there are two things that help me vent. They also help me to reduce my stress level. Running and writing.
I have a new treadmill. It is at Sears waiting for Husband (or anyone else I can beg) to pick it up. The old treadmill waits to be carried off.
I am stressed. VERY STRESSED. And I have no time to write, have I mentioned that????
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