November 25, 2010

"A relationship that is so enticing to us precisely because it is forbidden is nothing but a decoratively painted door to a cavernous pit."

I am not sure where I got this quote, I am fairly confident it is from Beth Moore's book "Get Out of That Pit!" It hit me so hard that I wrote it down about 2 years ago. I just found it written in a notebook I was about to throw away and it hit me even harder this time. It hit the nail right on the head....."enticing to us precisely because it is forbidden". Wow. That is it! That is that feeling I get in the pit of my stomach, the butterflies, just the overall "high" of doing "forbidden" things. It took me back to days when I drank all the time. I needed that "buzz" so I could deal with all the crap in my life then. Like now, when I search for things "forbidden" to fill that void in my life. Alcohol. StudyBuddy. What the hell am I doing? I know the whole StudyBuddy thing is WRONG. It is "forbidden". And I know that is why I like it. I have always had a thing for the bad boys, love the thrill of doing things I know are naughty. Just the word "naughty" excites me!

No wonder StudyBuddy was such as easy transition. It was naughty and I needed some naughty in my boring life, or so I thought. I thought it would be just the thrill I needed to make me get that "high" I needed. If there is one thing I have learned, it is that you are only high for so long. Eventually you begin to look for a new high, something that keeps you higher longer. Then you discover you have topped out. Thus, StudyBuddy is losing its appeal. I don't get that "thrill" when we plan study time. I don't know if it doesn't feel as "forbidden" as it did before, or if it is just becoming too real. It is just another man who reminds me that I am in second place. Second to his StudyWife, the study partner he calls whenever it is convenient for him, whenever he can "work me in" to his study schedule. I am too fucked up to handle one dysfunctional relationship and now I plan on juggling TWO?? Please, this is a disaster waiting to happen. I am not mentally stable enough to be rejected by StudyBuddy, and I guess I know it will eventually happen. Maybe I am making it less thrilling just to save myself the hurt in the end, and that is okay by me.

Another part of this new "revelation" is that a friend has starting texting me a lot. We used to work together and we were always flirty. But let's be honest, I am flirty with everyone! He is so sweet. He always make me feel special. BOOOM! That is it....HE MAKES ME FEEL SPECIAL. That is all I want, TO FEEL SPECIAL. Why can I not do it on my own? Why do I need to have someone else validate that I am special? I wish I knew. He is just so damn nice!! He always asks about school, how's work going, how are the kids, etc. He actually seems to give a shit. And he calls me "luv" and "sugar muffin" and "precious". This is highly ironic considering he is covered in tats and has multiple piercings...looks like a tough guy, but is a sweetheart. I think I will call him MohawkMan. He had one once and it was HOT!! I am not attracted to him at all, but I can't help but converse with him if he keeps being so damn sweet.

CougarBoy....makes me feel special. I am almost 40, he is 20 and spends 8 hours a day flirting with me....he makes me feel special. HotDoctor....makes me feel special. He's hot, he flirts....he makes me feel special. StudyBuddy is not making me feel so special right now. Husband....does not make me feel special. Every now and then he will say or do something that catches me off guard, but for most, not special. I am seeing that the pretend relationships are way more stable than the real ones!

New thought: Do I make Husband feel special? I doubt it. I try to be the nice, loving wife who cooks, cleans, and cares for the kids; but making him feel special, I don't know. We have always had the type of relationship that isn't all "lovey dovey" or"huggy kissy", but even when we communicate with words, I don't think we try very hard. Damn, I am confused. I don't even know what I do or don't do in my own marriage....how sad.