Sometimes I feel like I never stop. Some nights I'm asleep before I lay all the way down in the bed. Work. Pick up kids. Play with kids. Cook dinner. Put kids in bath. Put kids to bed. Speak to Jody. Do housework. Go to bed. Starts over next day! I've always enjoyed being busy, but wasn't ready to be exhausted! Maybe I am feeling 36 after all.
I did decide to set some goals.
1. Let my hair grow out two years.
2. Lose down to 150 (and STAY there)
3. Make myself happy.
#3 is the kicker! What will make me happy? Is the grass really greener on the other side or do the same ol' weeds pop up? Hmmmmm, maybe I'll find out! Will the weight issue make me happy...I know I'll feel better physically, but mentally? I guess I'll just do it and find out!
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Monday, May 25, 2009
May 25, 2009
I am offically 36 today. I don't feel any older, I think I actually feel younger! I am excited about my two year journey and that makes this birthday a little easier. Besides, I can either grow old or die. I'm pretty cool with growing old!
I spent some time today pondering some of the "issues" in my life...some of the things that I would like to change. Actually, I was talking with God about it. Am I doing what I need to? Why am I so miserable in this one certain area? Am I wasting my energy worring about something that God had planned all along, but I can't seem to get a grip on? I was on the elliptical machine during this conversation, listening to the radio, and like God always does, he answers me in His own way. I really think that God has a sense of Humor...alll of a sudden I hear "hangon...help is on the way" from the radio. I think I actually giggled at the timing of it. Looks like I'll be "hanging on", obviously "help is on the way"!
I spent some time today pondering some of the "issues" in my life...some of the things that I would like to change. Actually, I was talking with God about it. Am I doing what I need to? Why am I so miserable in this one certain area? Am I wasting my energy worring about something that God had planned all along, but I can't seem to get a grip on? I was on the elliptical machine during this conversation, listening to the radio, and like God always does, he answers me in His own way. I really think that God has a sense of Humor...alll of a sudden I hear "hangon...help is on the way" from the radio. I think I actually giggled at the timing of it. Looks like I'll be "hanging on", obviously "help is on the way"!
Sunday, May 24, 2009
May 24, 2009
Tomorrow I will be 36. I don't feel 36...not at all. Now there are some times when my BODY feels 36 (thanks to a jacked-up back and some arthritis), but as far as mentally, no way. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that I love to giggle uncontrolably, have a full blown junior high crush on one of the doctors I work with, and still try to shake my groove thing! I feel sure that when my kids are teenagers, I will embarass them more than they can even imagine. I can't help it, I am just a little goofy...but its fun!
I just started reading a great book about finding your God given purpose. How ironic I would pick that book (God knew I would...He works that way!) at the beginning of this project. I know that I have a job where I use my assets....perky, friendly, and caring...somethimes too caring. I have found that I do cry a lot at work. I watch too many patients get really sick, and some of them move on the Heaven. The one thing that keeps me going in times like that is a quote from a friends fiancee's funeral....."I am home, and I am healed." Heaven has no illness, that is what keeps me going!
I just started reading a great book about finding your God given purpose. How ironic I would pick that book (God knew I would...He works that way!) at the beginning of this project. I know that I have a job where I use my assets....perky, friendly, and caring...somethimes too caring. I have found that I do cry a lot at work. I watch too many patients get really sick, and some of them move on the Heaven. The one thing that keeps me going in times like that is a quote from a friends fiancee's funeral....."I am home, and I am healed." Heaven has no illness, that is what keeps me going!
Saturday, May 23, 2009
May 23, 2009
The other day at work, a friend of mine stated "you don't even know where you will be two years from now...". It really hit me hard. What can I do to change my situation between now and then? Will everything still be the same no matter what? Wow. It has sent my head into a spin and I have pondered about this everyday now.
At this very moment, I have two beautiful children that I love with every fiber of my being and a husband who is happy with who I appear to be. I have a job I love. I have great friends that support and love me no matter what. But I have never been happy with me. My life and certain situations, yes. But me, as far as self-esteem and self-love go, never. I have never been secure in who I am, and I will mold myself in any given situation to be the person someone else wants me to be. But who am I really? When does the mask of "what others want" come off and what will it reveal?
I am almost 36. I am going for a two year exploration....of me. What do I really want? Who am I deep down inside? How do I get rid of all of my self-esteem issues and be comfortable with me? I am giving it two years. I know there are some things I want that I probably can't have, but who knows? Somethings I can change myself, I just have to have courage and boldness....right now I have neither. I can't wait to see where I will be and who I will be at that point.
At this very moment, I have two beautiful children that I love with every fiber of my being and a husband who is happy with who I appear to be. I have a job I love. I have great friends that support and love me no matter what. But I have never been happy with me. My life and certain situations, yes. But me, as far as self-esteem and self-love go, never. I have never been secure in who I am, and I will mold myself in any given situation to be the person someone else wants me to be. But who am I really? When does the mask of "what others want" come off and what will it reveal?
I am almost 36. I am going for a two year exploration....of me. What do I really want? Who am I deep down inside? How do I get rid of all of my self-esteem issues and be comfortable with me? I am giving it two years. I know there are some things I want that I probably can't have, but who knows? Somethings I can change myself, I just have to have courage and boldness....right now I have neither. I can't wait to see where I will be and who I will be at that point.
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