Well, Monday came and went, and in some strange new "budding self-confidence" cloud, I forgot to weigh. WHAT?? Yes, for at least 12 hours of one day I did not care what I weighed. Oh. My. God. Is this the beginning of self esteem?? I CAN ONLY HOPE!!!! Or was it the fact that I was still in somewhat of drunken stupor from going out like areal grown up Saturday night? (I am going with self confidence, even though I think the buzz I was still dealing with may have had something to do with it~)
Last week was somewhat uneventful, other than studying as much as I could. With StudyBuddy (who was SchoolCrush...but StudyBuddy just sounds more fun!). It just makes studying more fun not to do it alone. I am learning more about StudyBuddy with each study session. I am picking up on lots of things, like he makes LOTS of money, he lives in a BIG house, and he is awesome....just in general. However, as I have learned, more money combined with more stuff = more debt. I am not impressed with material things. I would be impressed with a very large checking and savings account though. However, things like that never come up in conversation. Which is good. Especially on my side! lol
HotDoctor and CougarBoy are doing well. HotDoctor and I need group therapy and CougarBoy continues to tell me about his workouts. Wow. I dream about his workouts. They still motivate me to run. And run. And run.
On to the real stuff....blah. Husband has just left the house for the third time in recent weeks with without his phone because "it needs to charge". He is not working, he is just helping someone at the shop. And happens to be unreachable. Is it sad that I actually HOPE he is doing something shady? Maybe I just want to ease my conscious from the "pretend" and "study" world. I don't know. Do I want to know if he is? Not really. I honestly don't think I even care. Having said that, I now realize how sad this marriage is. And, will I ever have the nerve/balls to approach its "shittiness" to Husband? I know he is still clueless. The other day, we had this conversation:
Me: People at work think it is crazy that we never talk to each other throughout the day unless it is an emergency or something.
Husband: I think that is why we get along better than most married people.
Me: You think we get along?
Husband: Yeah, we don't fight or anything.
Then he walked off. Sat there with my mouth hanging opened and realized that it is the "or anything" that sucks. Yes, we don't fight. OR ANYTHING! There is no passion, no humor any more, no smiles, no questions, no answers, no acknowledgement, no ANYTHING!! And THAT sucks.
It is hard to believe that as screwed up as we are, we (and of course, God) managed to make such awesome kids! Kids are great! Right now they are actually letting me blog without trying to kill each other. I am thankful for the little things like that everyday. As we all know, my main goal is to not fuck them up. Thus far, they are doing great. They are both funny and SUPER creative. GirlChild has her diva moments, but so do I! lol
All in all, YES, my life is still bizarre. I am still running. I still have pretend boy friends. I still love studying with StudyBuddy. I still weighed, not on Monday (so it doesn't count). I still cry at night. And I still sometimes fall asleep with a naughty little smile on my face.
Saturday, October 23, 2010
Saturday, October 16, 2010
October 16, 2010
Wow! I did not realize how long it had been since I have blogged. I weighed Monday and had agained a pound. I am chalking it up to PMS and not enough time to run lately. Not enough time to do ANYTHING lately. So goes my life...lol
Many things have occured, some in pretend world, some in the real world. In the real world, Husband and I actually talked last night. We talked about when we first knew we were in love with each other and how much we liked each other. I looked at him and said "What the hell happened to us? Are we just old and tired and don't care anymore?". He looked at me with a blank stare. Suprise, he has no idea we have issues. Great, now I am going to have to approach our relationship from the stand point that he has NO IDEA that I am not happy. I thought I was FOR SURE sending off signs! Obviously, every other person on each has noticed except Husband. Jeez! I guess one day when I grow the balls to tell him, I will at least be ready for the shock of him not knowing. Double jeez!
Pretend world has been VERY busy. SchoolCrush has taken the #1 lead in ranking of pretend relationships. We text a lot now, and he makes me laugh, A LOT! (which ironically, was one of the things I loved about Husband when I met him!). We are also now study buddies. And we tend to study a lot now. We should never fall below a 4.0 at this point, and I will leave it at that.
HotDoctor is still as fucked up as I am. Our unstable pretend relationship sometimes sucks the life out of me. I accidentally asked another Doctor (we will call him FunnyDoctor...because he cracks me up!) a question in front of HotDoctor and I thought I would never hear the end of it. Usually, anything that involves HotDoctor paying me lots of attention is exciting, but this wore me down. He is needier than ME!! He is HOT. He is a doctor. He has tons of money and a beautiful family....WTF??!! I brought him a Starbucks from lunch to smooth it over. It worked AND I managed to get a big hug out of it. It was worth the pretend drama.
CougarBoy still says he wants to marry me if I ever get divorced. We laugh at this like it will never happen, but you never know. I can't wait to see his face the day I tell him it is happening. I feel sure he will retract the offer, but for now, it is all pretend! lol His body still inspires me to run. And run. And run.
And now, back to the real world. BoyChild has rekindled his relationship with Thomas the Train, and I am not happy. Thomas is a better choice that watching TV like a zombie or tuning out life for the DS, but it is still annoying. In BoyChilds first Thomas affair, he did not know where we kept the batteries, how to get them, or how to use them. Now he does. Damn. I do LOVE the fact that BoyChild is intelligent and witty, but sometimes he gets the advantage over us. BoyChild says the funniest thing and keeps me on my toes...it is like he actually GETS grown up life and what it is all about. That kinda breaks my heart because he needs to be a kid, but I guess that is where Thomas comes in. I guess I should be grateful for that damn train! lol
GirlChild is just me made over. She is sassy and hilarious. She is smarter than she acts, which she uses to her advantage. She is chatty ALL THE TIME, always wants to be in the middle of everything, knows whats best for everybody, and yearns to be the boss. And I get it. I really do. I basically feel the same way deep down inside, but have hushed that part of me because nobody ever listened. So I listen to her. I want her to be assertive and self-confident. I want her REAL life to be so fabulous she doesn't need the pretend ones. Basically, I just try my best every day NOT to fuck her up like me. I am not sure when or where, but someone (maybe even myself) stole my self-love and self confidence. I don't want to be the one that steals hers AND I want to keep someone from doing it. If I could put her in a protective bubble, I would.
BFF is having a baby GIRL!! I am so excited about BabyBFF (had it been a boy, it would have been BFFJr.)! I can hear the excitment in BFF's voice when I talk to her. She SO deserves this bundle of happiness! I can't wait to me an Aunt/BabyDaddy! :) I am already picking out things to be monogrammed...and in toile! lol
Wow, I think I covered EVERYTHING, so that is all for now! Monday is weigh day, so we will see what happens then!
Many things have occured, some in pretend world, some in the real world. In the real world, Husband and I actually talked last night. We talked about when we first knew we were in love with each other and how much we liked each other. I looked at him and said "What the hell happened to us? Are we just old and tired and don't care anymore?". He looked at me with a blank stare. Suprise, he has no idea we have issues. Great, now I am going to have to approach our relationship from the stand point that he has NO IDEA that I am not happy. I thought I was FOR SURE sending off signs! Obviously, every other person on each has noticed except Husband. Jeez! I guess one day when I grow the balls to tell him, I will at least be ready for the shock of him not knowing. Double jeez!
Pretend world has been VERY busy. SchoolCrush has taken the #1 lead in ranking of pretend relationships. We text a lot now, and he makes me laugh, A LOT! (which ironically, was one of the things I loved about Husband when I met him!). We are also now study buddies. And we tend to study a lot now. We should never fall below a 4.0 at this point, and I will leave it at that.
HotDoctor is still as fucked up as I am. Our unstable pretend relationship sometimes sucks the life out of me. I accidentally asked another Doctor (we will call him FunnyDoctor...because he cracks me up!) a question in front of HotDoctor and I thought I would never hear the end of it. Usually, anything that involves HotDoctor paying me lots of attention is exciting, but this wore me down. He is needier than ME!! He is HOT. He is a doctor. He has tons of money and a beautiful family....WTF??!! I brought him a Starbucks from lunch to smooth it over. It worked AND I managed to get a big hug out of it. It was worth the pretend drama.
CougarBoy still says he wants to marry me if I ever get divorced. We laugh at this like it will never happen, but you never know. I can't wait to see his face the day I tell him it is happening. I feel sure he will retract the offer, but for now, it is all pretend! lol His body still inspires me to run. And run. And run.
And now, back to the real world. BoyChild has rekindled his relationship with Thomas the Train, and I am not happy. Thomas is a better choice that watching TV like a zombie or tuning out life for the DS, but it is still annoying. In BoyChilds first Thomas affair, he did not know where we kept the batteries, how to get them, or how to use them. Now he does. Damn. I do LOVE the fact that BoyChild is intelligent and witty, but sometimes he gets the advantage over us. BoyChild says the funniest thing and keeps me on my toes...it is like he actually GETS grown up life and what it is all about. That kinda breaks my heart because he needs to be a kid, but I guess that is where Thomas comes in. I guess I should be grateful for that damn train! lol
GirlChild is just me made over. She is sassy and hilarious. She is smarter than she acts, which she uses to her advantage. She is chatty ALL THE TIME, always wants to be in the middle of everything, knows whats best for everybody, and yearns to be the boss. And I get it. I really do. I basically feel the same way deep down inside, but have hushed that part of me because nobody ever listened. So I listen to her. I want her to be assertive and self-confident. I want her REAL life to be so fabulous she doesn't need the pretend ones. Basically, I just try my best every day NOT to fuck her up like me. I am not sure when or where, but someone (maybe even myself) stole my self-love and self confidence. I don't want to be the one that steals hers AND I want to keep someone from doing it. If I could put her in a protective bubble, I would.
BFF is having a baby GIRL!! I am so excited about BabyBFF (had it been a boy, it would have been BFFJr.)! I can hear the excitment in BFF's voice when I talk to her. She SO deserves this bundle of happiness! I can't wait to me an Aunt/BabyDaddy! :) I am already picking out things to be monogrammed...and in toile! lol
Wow, I think I covered EVERYTHING, so that is all for now! Monday is weigh day, so we will see what happens then!
Monday, October 4, 2010
October 4, 2010
Here is the official Monday morning weight in results....7 pounds! WOOOHOOO! It only took me almost 3 weeks to do it. Womens bodies are soooo crazy. A man can drop 10 lbs in 2 days and ours store it up and it all comes off 3 weeks later. And they wonder why women are more emotional than most men. Our bodies fuck with us. What's up with that ("ohhhhhh, whats up with that, yeah, whats up with that??"...from a SNL skit!!...yes, random thoughts are normal for me!)
Back to me being SEVEN POUNDS less! I am truly motivated now because I actually see results. And I love running. This is all for now I have to go to work and juggle all my pretend relationships....whew, what a busy day! ;)
Back to me being SEVEN POUNDS less! I am truly motivated now because I actually see results. And I love running. This is all for now I have to go to work and juggle all my pretend relationships....whew, what a busy day! ;)
Saturday, October 2, 2010
October 2, 2010...update
I drove past Starbuck's TWICE without getting my favorite, high calorie frappuchino!! I got NOTHING!! Is this what self-control is? I've never had any, so I have no idea! OMG...baby steps....
October 2, 2010
NEWS FLASH...I have lost 4 pounds! YEAHHHHH! OK, so it took 4 months(or actually over a year!). It is still 4 pounds GONE! I literally broke out my reading glasses this morning to re-read the scale. They confirmed the 4 pounds. Finally. I feel as if this is just the beginning. I now am super motivated and encouraged! Woot woot!!
I am still running. I love it! It is so awesome, even though it does burn the ol' legs and cause me to lay on the ol' heating pad, it is SO worth it. Less and less jiggle every time I run. OMG...I think I may be addicted! Finally, an addiction to something that is not HARMFUL!! lol What is I can give up my ice cream addiction for a treadmill addiction....OMG....that is too much to even comprehend! (Needless to say, I am easily excitable this morning! LOL)
Visited my doctor on Monday. We switched up my happy pill and kept my crack like diet pill. New happy pill has made a HUGE difference in my attitude and hunger. Cymbalta, where have you been all my life?? lol
All the pretend boyfriends are good. Pretend relationships still going strong. I even have added SchoolCrush to the mix. I mean, it is four hours on Tuesday nights, why not have a pretend boyfriend for that one night a week? lol (Yes, I know I need therapy...maybe I can take up a "love offering" from all the pretend boyfriends to cover the cost, I mean, one IS a doctor!) SchoolCrush is hilarious. We text during class, making fun of our professor and other people. Sometimes it is very hard not to bust out laughing. I forgot how important laughing is...at all times.
Husband and I seem to be trying a little harder to make an effort. I do realize now that I had basically given up and really put no effort forth at all. We will see what happens. BoyChild and GirlChild are doing well in school. GirlChild is really good a "creating" (I am trying not to so say LYING)stories and interesting characters. I wonder is she too has a pretend world. At least she realizes how important it is at an early age..lol!! BoyChild continues to want to wear his pj's 24/7, but yet reads on a 5th grade level (in 2nd grade). My children are definitely as bizarre as I am!
I haven't covered this yet, but my BFF (and closest thing to a sister, and someone who knows ALL my secrets, and my "fun mentor", and the one I call when I am at my highest, and the one I call when I am at my lowest, and there are so many more AND's, I could go on forever...) is pregnant. She did it the old fashioned way, artificial insemination. I am so excited for her I can hardly stand it! After 15 years of marriage and 7 years of motherhood, I believe she has done this the best way...by herself! Well, not really by herself. I know that there are so many of us that love her and can't wait to help her raise BFF Jr. that she will never be alone. BFF, you are my hero! (BFF is also President of the Cougar Club! lol)
Well, I have all day today and tomorrow to be Wife and Mommy. Monday morning starts work and pretend world. Both are equally exhausting, but well worth it! I get my "roots did" today and think I might just pick a new "fall color" for my hair. I mean, I am letting it grow out, so to fill the "new hair" void, I just HAVE to change color, right? AND, since Starbucks is on the way there, I just HAVE to get a Frappachino, right? Right.
I am still running. I love it! It is so awesome, even though it does burn the ol' legs and cause me to lay on the ol' heating pad, it is SO worth it. Less and less jiggle every time I run. OMG...I think I may be addicted! Finally, an addiction to something that is not HARMFUL!! lol What is I can give up my ice cream addiction for a treadmill addiction....OMG....that is too much to even comprehend! (Needless to say, I am easily excitable this morning! LOL)
Visited my doctor on Monday. We switched up my happy pill and kept my crack like diet pill. New happy pill has made a HUGE difference in my attitude and hunger. Cymbalta, where have you been all my life?? lol
All the pretend boyfriends are good. Pretend relationships still going strong. I even have added SchoolCrush to the mix. I mean, it is four hours on Tuesday nights, why not have a pretend boyfriend for that one night a week? lol (Yes, I know I need therapy...maybe I can take up a "love offering" from all the pretend boyfriends to cover the cost, I mean, one IS a doctor!) SchoolCrush is hilarious. We text during class, making fun of our professor and other people. Sometimes it is very hard not to bust out laughing. I forgot how important laughing is...at all times.
Husband and I seem to be trying a little harder to make an effort. I do realize now that I had basically given up and really put no effort forth at all. We will see what happens. BoyChild and GirlChild are doing well in school. GirlChild is really good a "creating" (I am trying not to so say LYING)stories and interesting characters. I wonder is she too has a pretend world. At least she realizes how important it is at an early age..lol!! BoyChild continues to want to wear his pj's 24/7, but yet reads on a 5th grade level (in 2nd grade). My children are definitely as bizarre as I am!
I haven't covered this yet, but my BFF (and closest thing to a sister, and someone who knows ALL my secrets, and my "fun mentor", and the one I call when I am at my highest, and the one I call when I am at my lowest, and there are so many more AND's, I could go on forever...) is pregnant. She did it the old fashioned way, artificial insemination. I am so excited for her I can hardly stand it! After 15 years of marriage and 7 years of motherhood, I believe she has done this the best way...by herself! Well, not really by herself. I know that there are so many of us that love her and can't wait to help her raise BFF Jr. that she will never be alone. BFF, you are my hero! (BFF is also President of the Cougar Club! lol)
Well, I have all day today and tomorrow to be Wife and Mommy. Monday morning starts work and pretend world. Both are equally exhausting, but well worth it! I get my "roots did" today and think I might just pick a new "fall color" for my hair. I mean, I am letting it grow out, so to fill the "new hair" void, I just HAVE to change color, right? AND, since Starbucks is on the way there, I just HAVE to get a Frappachino, right? Right.
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