"A relationship that is so enticing to us precisely because it is forbidden is nothing but a decoratively painted door to a cavernous pit."
I am not sure where I got this quote, I am fairly confident it is from Beth Moore's book "Get Out of That Pit!" It hit me so hard that I wrote it down about 2 years ago. I just found it written in a notebook I was about to throw away and it hit me even harder this time. It hit the nail right on the head....."enticing to us precisely because it is forbidden". Wow. That is it! That is that feeling I get in the pit of my stomach, the butterflies, just the overall "high" of doing "forbidden" things. It took me back to days when I drank all the time. I needed that "buzz" so I could deal with all the crap in my life then. Like now, when I search for things "forbidden" to fill that void in my life. Alcohol. StudyBuddy. What the hell am I doing? I know the whole StudyBuddy thing is WRONG. It is "forbidden". And I know that is why I like it. I have always had a thing for the bad boys, love the thrill of doing things I know are naughty. Just the word "naughty" excites me!
No wonder StudyBuddy was such as easy transition. It was naughty and I needed some naughty in my boring life, or so I thought. I thought it would be just the thrill I needed to make me get that "high" I needed. If there is one thing I have learned, it is that you are only high for so long. Eventually you begin to look for a new high, something that keeps you higher longer. Then you discover you have topped out. Thus, StudyBuddy is losing its appeal. I don't get that "thrill" when we plan study time. I don't know if it doesn't feel as "forbidden" as it did before, or if it is just becoming too real. It is just another man who reminds me that I am in second place. Second to his StudyWife, the study partner he calls whenever it is convenient for him, whenever he can "work me in" to his study schedule. I am too fucked up to handle one dysfunctional relationship and now I plan on juggling TWO?? Please, this is a disaster waiting to happen. I am not mentally stable enough to be rejected by StudyBuddy, and I guess I know it will eventually happen. Maybe I am making it less thrilling just to save myself the hurt in the end, and that is okay by me.
Another part of this new "revelation" is that a friend has starting texting me a lot. We used to work together and we were always flirty. But let's be honest, I am flirty with everyone! He is so sweet. He always make me feel special. BOOOM! That is it....HE MAKES ME FEEL SPECIAL. That is all I want, TO FEEL SPECIAL. Why can I not do it on my own? Why do I need to have someone else validate that I am special? I wish I knew. He is just so damn nice!! He always asks about school, how's work going, how are the kids, etc. He actually seems to give a shit. And he calls me "luv" and "sugar muffin" and "precious". This is highly ironic considering he is covered in tats and has multiple piercings...looks like a tough guy, but is a sweetheart. I think I will call him MohawkMan. He had one once and it was HOT!! I am not attracted to him at all, but I can't help but converse with him if he keeps being so damn sweet.
CougarBoy....makes me feel special. I am almost 40, he is 20 and spends 8 hours a day flirting with me....he makes me feel special. HotDoctor....makes me feel special. He's hot, he flirts....he makes me feel special. StudyBuddy is not making me feel so special right now. Husband....does not make me feel special. Every now and then he will say or do something that catches me off guard, but for most, not special. I am seeing that the pretend relationships are way more stable than the real ones!
New thought: Do I make Husband feel special? I doubt it. I try to be the nice, loving wife who cooks, cleans, and cares for the kids; but making him feel special, I don't know. We have always had the type of relationship that isn't all "lovey dovey" or"huggy kissy", but even when we communicate with words, I don't think we try very hard. Damn, I am confused. I don't even know what I do or don't do in my own marriage....how sad.
Thursday, November 25, 2010
Monday, November 22, 2010
November 22, 2010
I just got off the treadmill. I am still sweating as I write this. Husband picked up treadmill, assembled it, and carted off the old one all within a 48 hour period. That, my friend, is a Christmas miracle. The fact that he even gave a rat's ass about my treadmill was amazing. He has really stepped it up a notch lately. BFF says its because I bought all new small, lacy, "cheeky" panties. Either he really likes them, or he is really suspicious. Either one is fine with me as long as things are getting done!
StudyBuddy has acquired a heightened sense of paranoia. However, not enough so that he thinks we should stop studying all together. He only wants to cut out the after class study sessions. Fine by me. They are past my bedtime anyway. Study lunches are still on and they are the best. The amount of studying we can do during lunch time is amazing! The rest of the day I spend on cloud nine. Studying is good for my soul. We plan on studying tomorrow for lunch. Yeahhhhh me!
CougarBoy is still beautiful. When he smiles, I swear, angels sing. He is still with TrifflinHo. Whore. We went out the other night for a friends birthday. He fed me chips and salsa. I liked it. Damn, did I like it.
I think that is all I have for right now. I have to work on my paper for class, and get ready to study tomorrow!
StudyBuddy has acquired a heightened sense of paranoia. However, not enough so that he thinks we should stop studying all together. He only wants to cut out the after class study sessions. Fine by me. They are past my bedtime anyway. Study lunches are still on and they are the best. The amount of studying we can do during lunch time is amazing! The rest of the day I spend on cloud nine. Studying is good for my soul. We plan on studying tomorrow for lunch. Yeahhhhh me!
CougarBoy is still beautiful. When he smiles, I swear, angels sing. He is still with TrifflinHo. Whore. We went out the other night for a friends birthday. He fed me chips and salsa. I liked it. Damn, did I like it.
I think that is all I have for right now. I have to work on my paper for class, and get ready to study tomorrow!
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
November 17, 2010
My treadmill died. It was old. I miss it dearly. I have not run. I need to run. I NEED TO RUN!! I REALLY REALLY REALLY NEED TO RUN!!
I have had no time to write. I need to write. I REALLY NEED TO WRITE!!
I have now discovered that there are two things that help me vent. They also help me to reduce my stress level. Running and writing.
I have a new treadmill. It is at Sears waiting for Husband (or anyone else I can beg) to pick it up. The old treadmill waits to be carried off.
I am stressed. VERY STRESSED. And I have no time to write, have I mentioned that????
I have had no time to write. I need to write. I REALLY NEED TO WRITE!!
I have now discovered that there are two things that help me vent. They also help me to reduce my stress level. Running and writing.
I have a new treadmill. It is at Sears waiting for Husband (or anyone else I can beg) to pick it up. The old treadmill waits to be carried off.
I am stressed. VERY STRESSED. And I have no time to write, have I mentioned that????
Friday, November 5, 2010
November 5, 2010
I am still fucked up. Yes, it has been two weeks (almost) and my life is still as unstable and bazaar as it was. I really had hoped to have made some progress at this point, but somehow, I think I have just made things more insane. Wow. I even try to be an over-achiever in the "add more chaos" department! lol
Weight days have come and gone. Lost one pound. Whoopiedooo. Still running like I am actually getting somewhere,but I am still here when I get off the treadmill. I feel like I should have at least made it to Key West by now. And oh, how I would love to be there.
I have discovered that I continue to attach myself to people with terminal illnesses or at least are one step closer to deaths door than they should be. This causes many tears, sleepless nights, and horrible random thoughts in my head. However, it makes me count my blessings every day. No matter how bad I think my life is, someone always has it worse. Way worse.
Speaking of things along the lines of cancer and such, have I mention that StudyBuddy has battled cancer? That is actually how we started talking. I asked my normal round of ten thousand questions, and viola, we open doors into other conversations. StudyBuddy's story continues to amaze me. So do his studying skills. Last Friday we studied so hard that I wasn't worth a shit for the rest of the weekend. Wow. That's all I can say. Wow. He washed his cell phone, so we have had no contact since school this week. It has made my days very long and boring, but also provided a needed break. I am not sure where this study "thing" is going, nor do I know where I want it to go. Then I even start thinking things like "did he really jack up his phone, or is he sick of me?" or "omg...he can already tell that I am one fucked up individual?" So, I have now added something else to worry about. Thank God for meds.
CougarBoy now has a steady girlfriend. I must say I was not happy when I heard the news. Mainly because from what I know of her, she falls under the category of "trifflin' ho". He did point out that if I was married, he should at least get to date. I couldn't argue with him. He was right. TrifflinHo is now part of my world. Whore. LOL CougarBoy still continues to motivate me to run. And he still writes me poems and leaves little notes on my desk. He makes me feel special. I like that.
HotDoctor continues to be so friggin hot that his mental instability does not matter. I love him. I love him more and more every day. Today, while in his office, I literally watch his eyelashes while he blinked. And noticed there are a few new grey hairs at his temple. And noticed his apple green and white polo could not possibly look better on any other person in the world. I brought him Starbucks back from lunch. Love him. I love him so much that it took someone else to point out the irony of me buying Starbucks for a Doctor who makes more in one day than I do in a year. I just want him to be happy. I want him to be happy with me. Really, is that asking too much??
My real life has made no new progress (SURPRISE!). My marriage is still pitiful. My children are hilarious and precious. My parents still stress me out. But thanks to seeing some of my good friends go through some really hard times right now, I know it could be worse. And I am so glad it is not. At this point in my life, every day that I wake up is a blessing. I may have to search a little harder on some days than others to find that blessing, but blessings they will be.
Weight days have come and gone. Lost one pound. Whoopiedooo. Still running like I am actually getting somewhere,but I am still here when I get off the treadmill. I feel like I should have at least made it to Key West by now. And oh, how I would love to be there.
I have discovered that I continue to attach myself to people with terminal illnesses or at least are one step closer to deaths door than they should be. This causes many tears, sleepless nights, and horrible random thoughts in my head. However, it makes me count my blessings every day. No matter how bad I think my life is, someone always has it worse. Way worse.
Speaking of things along the lines of cancer and such, have I mention that StudyBuddy has battled cancer? That is actually how we started talking. I asked my normal round of ten thousand questions, and viola, we open doors into other conversations. StudyBuddy's story continues to amaze me. So do his studying skills. Last Friday we studied so hard that I wasn't worth a shit for the rest of the weekend. Wow. That's all I can say. Wow. He washed his cell phone, so we have had no contact since school this week. It has made my days very long and boring, but also provided a needed break. I am not sure where this study "thing" is going, nor do I know where I want it to go. Then I even start thinking things like "did he really jack up his phone, or is he sick of me?" or "omg...he can already tell that I am one fucked up individual?" So, I have now added something else to worry about. Thank God for meds.
CougarBoy now has a steady girlfriend. I must say I was not happy when I heard the news. Mainly because from what I know of her, she falls under the category of "trifflin' ho". He did point out that if I was married, he should at least get to date. I couldn't argue with him. He was right. TrifflinHo is now part of my world. Whore. LOL CougarBoy still continues to motivate me to run. And he still writes me poems and leaves little notes on my desk. He makes me feel special. I like that.
HotDoctor continues to be so friggin hot that his mental instability does not matter. I love him. I love him more and more every day. Today, while in his office, I literally watch his eyelashes while he blinked. And noticed there are a few new grey hairs at his temple. And noticed his apple green and white polo could not possibly look better on any other person in the world. I brought him Starbucks back from lunch. Love him. I love him so much that it took someone else to point out the irony of me buying Starbucks for a Doctor who makes more in one day than I do in a year. I just want him to be happy. I want him to be happy with me. Really, is that asking too much??
My real life has made no new progress (SURPRISE!). My marriage is still pitiful. My children are hilarious and precious. My parents still stress me out. But thanks to seeing some of my good friends go through some really hard times right now, I know it could be worse. And I am so glad it is not. At this point in my life, every day that I wake up is a blessing. I may have to search a little harder on some days than others to find that blessing, but blessings they will be.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)