January 15, 2011

Wow. Things have been CRAZY lately. There is one thing I must start off with....I know, for a fact, as of right this very second, I HAVE SELF ESTEEM! Here, I will prove it...I am beautiful, I am smart (OK, that can be questionable at times), I am funny, I can participate in witty banter, I will get my degree, and I will get a fabulous job doing something I love. I am awesome! lol However, I am still scared to "rip the band aid off" and tell Husband how miserable I am. Maybe that will come in time...sooner rather than later.

OK, time for pretend relationship rundown...

CougarBoy: back with TrifflinHo after a brief break during Christmas. His smile still causes angels to sing and he still makes this Cougar feel like a hot momma. He is funny and gets mad (in a pretend way) when HotDoctor comes around.

HotDoctor: tells me I am worthy of everything I dream of. Who wouldn't want to hear that?? Calls my kids "our" kids and has a smile that makes that little cartoon glimmer when he busts it out. He may be the most beautiful creature God has created (other than my children, of course). Still causes my heart to flip flop when he says my name. Damn, he is beautiful.

StudyBuddy: Over. Done. Cut up in class, laugh, and snicker. That's it and I am cool with that.

MohawkMan: WOW. I have saved the best for last!! Ohhh wee! He is the nicest person I have ever known. He comes to visit me at work. He brings Starbucks. Really, a man who delivers Starbucks? Ohhhh yeah, that's what mamma likes! He brings roses...and enough for everyone who works with me. I think they all have a crush on him too right now! Mine is more than a crush though. He is awesome. He is sweet. He is caring, and tender, and wonderful, and fabulous, and protective, and he loves me. I mean he REALLY loves me. He tells me. He tells me all the time. He tells that I am beautiful, smart, strong, and that he loves me. Oh My. It is wonderful. He is not pretend, he is real. And I am glad. This may be the thing that gives me strength to "rip the band aid off" of my marriage. Do I think he and I will skip off into the sunset happily ever after? No. Am I ready for that? No. Do I think he is what I need right now, at this moment, in my life? Yes. He is here for a reason. He is here to hold my hand and tell me it is going to be alright. And that is what I need, a hand holder. And if that hand holder wants to tell me I am beautiful, smart, and strong; then I will let him. I have told him that this will be messy and ugly before it is all over, but he doesn't care. He only worries about me and the kids, not about himself. Where was he when I was single? Oh yeah, elementary school...lol. Did I mention he is 10 years younger? Mmmmm hmmm.

January 3, 2011

I can not believe it has been almost a month since I have blogged. SO much has happened and it has been SO busy! I don't even know if I can organize my thoughts enough right now to update everything. I am still alive. My marriage still stinks. StudyBuddy is actually just a classmate now and MohawkMan has stolen my heart. HotDoctor and I had a heart to heart which involved me sobbing and him telling me I deserve better than Husband. Wow...a lot has occured. I will outline (because I am OCD) this whole update and get back later today or tomorrow. I have been an emotional basketcase and have shed more tears in the last month than I think I have in the last ten years. It's all good though. I know now that I actually DO have self esteem and that this is all going to work out in the end. My story WILL have an happy ending DAMMIT!! lol