If I could get a penny for every tear I have shed lately, I would be rich. I am emotionally challenged. Or maybe just overly emotional lately. I am not sure. All I know is that just when I thought I was already one big, hot mess; I managed to top my mental instability level. I am one messed up lady right now. I realize now that the last 15 years of hidings my true feelings has messed with me bad. I cry on the way to work. I cry at work. I cry during lunch (where I sit in the park with a cup of Starbucks). I cry on the way home. I cry at night. I have never cried like this in my life. It is real now. I know I have to tell Husband how I really feel. Part of me doesn't want to hurt his feelings and the other part wants to have all his shit packed with a note that says "Have a nice life" sitting on the porch. I had absolutely no idea it would be this hard. Dammit.
MohawkMan is basically my best friend (with no disrespect to BFF...we can't help we live hours away). He lets me cry like a crazy fool while he hugs me or holds my hand. He doesn't pressure me or push me to make a decision. He just tells me he knows I will make the right choice for me when the time comes. How come his helping actually makes it worse at times?
Nothing new has occurred other than my new emotional meltdowns that happen sporadically 24/7. Xanax helps, but doesn't solve problems, just cuts back on the crying jags. I never thought this would be so hard. Dammit.
