Wow. Things have changed since I posted last. Good news is that I have lost 6 pounds! Yeahhhh! And this was weighting AFTER Thanksgiving and AFTER I had just had a big celebration luncheon at work....FINALLY, I feel like the running is starting to kick in. I feel awesome! I needed that loss as some new found motivation.
On the homefront, I think it has finally kicked in . We just celebrated (if you want to call acknowledging to each other in the unemotional words "happy anniversary" and moving about our day a "celebration") our 15th wedding anniversary. I have decided I don't want to have a 16th. I also realize I must now inform Husband that I am not happy. Of course, I have decided to do this AFTER we give everyone the family portraits we had made for Christmas presents. These pictures are the only photographs of all four of us ever taken, which is very pitiful and a testiment to our sad marriage. Let our families enjoy the pictures for a while, then I will proceed with the revelation. Where it goes from the revelation, we shall see.
StudyBuddy and I have fizzled out. Which is fine. We still flirt in class, and I guess he tries to get me to study with him, but I just keep making excusing and moving on. I think we all saw this coming in my last post. No more excitement.
However, MohawkMan has made a strong leap to the #1 pretend relationship spot. The things this man says to me are unbelievable. I now believe I am beautiful because he tells me multiple times a day that I am. I think I might have some inner self esteem creeping out....I love it! He is so sweet, tender hearted, and kind. Also, I had not seen him in over a year or so, so I would like to retract my last statement of "I am not attracted to him..." because, wow, I am. He has a Mohawk again, new tats, and been working out. WOW. It is good stuff! And he has introduced me to a new exercise program called "slow dancing". There is NOTHING sexier than a man who loves to slow dance. AND, if that man has actual rhythm...WOW. Dancing is my new love. I am burning calories AND being told I am beautiful AND having someone run their fingers thru my hair AND having someone hold my face and look directy into my eyes. This is good stuff people!
Thats all I have time for today. More later!
Monday, December 6, 2010
Thursday, November 25, 2010
November 25, 2010
"A relationship that is so enticing to us precisely because it is forbidden is nothing but a decoratively painted door to a cavernous pit."
I am not sure where I got this quote, I am fairly confident it is from Beth Moore's book "Get Out of That Pit!" It hit me so hard that I wrote it down about 2 years ago. I just found it written in a notebook I was about to throw away and it hit me even harder this time. It hit the nail right on the head....."enticing to us precisely because it is forbidden". Wow. That is it! That is that feeling I get in the pit of my stomach, the butterflies, just the overall "high" of doing "forbidden" things. It took me back to days when I drank all the time. I needed that "buzz" so I could deal with all the crap in my life then. Like now, when I search for things "forbidden" to fill that void in my life. Alcohol. StudyBuddy. What the hell am I doing? I know the whole StudyBuddy thing is WRONG. It is "forbidden". And I know that is why I like it. I have always had a thing for the bad boys, love the thrill of doing things I know are naughty. Just the word "naughty" excites me!
No wonder StudyBuddy was such as easy transition. It was naughty and I needed some naughty in my boring life, or so I thought. I thought it would be just the thrill I needed to make me get that "high" I needed. If there is one thing I have learned, it is that you are only high for so long. Eventually you begin to look for a new high, something that keeps you higher longer. Then you discover you have topped out. Thus, StudyBuddy is losing its appeal. I don't get that "thrill" when we plan study time. I don't know if it doesn't feel as "forbidden" as it did before, or if it is just becoming too real. It is just another man who reminds me that I am in second place. Second to his StudyWife, the study partner he calls whenever it is convenient for him, whenever he can "work me in" to his study schedule. I am too fucked up to handle one dysfunctional relationship and now I plan on juggling TWO?? Please, this is a disaster waiting to happen. I am not mentally stable enough to be rejected by StudyBuddy, and I guess I know it will eventually happen. Maybe I am making it less thrilling just to save myself the hurt in the end, and that is okay by me.
Another part of this new "revelation" is that a friend has starting texting me a lot. We used to work together and we were always flirty. But let's be honest, I am flirty with everyone! He is so sweet. He always make me feel special. BOOOM! That is it....HE MAKES ME FEEL SPECIAL. That is all I want, TO FEEL SPECIAL. Why can I not do it on my own? Why do I need to have someone else validate that I am special? I wish I knew. He is just so damn nice!! He always asks about school, how's work going, how are the kids, etc. He actually seems to give a shit. And he calls me "luv" and "sugar muffin" and "precious". This is highly ironic considering he is covered in tats and has multiple piercings...looks like a tough guy, but is a sweetheart. I think I will call him MohawkMan. He had one once and it was HOT!! I am not attracted to him at all, but I can't help but converse with him if he keeps being so damn sweet.
CougarBoy....makes me feel special. I am almost 40, he is 20 and spends 8 hours a day flirting with me....he makes me feel special. HotDoctor....makes me feel special. He's hot, he flirts....he makes me feel special. StudyBuddy is not making me feel so special right now. Husband....does not make me feel special. Every now and then he will say or do something that catches me off guard, but for most, not special. I am seeing that the pretend relationships are way more stable than the real ones!
New thought: Do I make Husband feel special? I doubt it. I try to be the nice, loving wife who cooks, cleans, and cares for the kids; but making him feel special, I don't know. We have always had the type of relationship that isn't all "lovey dovey" or"huggy kissy", but even when we communicate with words, I don't think we try very hard. Damn, I am confused. I don't even know what I do or don't do in my own marriage....how sad.
I am not sure where I got this quote, I am fairly confident it is from Beth Moore's book "Get Out of That Pit!" It hit me so hard that I wrote it down about 2 years ago. I just found it written in a notebook I was about to throw away and it hit me even harder this time. It hit the nail right on the head....."enticing to us precisely because it is forbidden". Wow. That is it! That is that feeling I get in the pit of my stomach, the butterflies, just the overall "high" of doing "forbidden" things. It took me back to days when I drank all the time. I needed that "buzz" so I could deal with all the crap in my life then. Like now, when I search for things "forbidden" to fill that void in my life. Alcohol. StudyBuddy. What the hell am I doing? I know the whole StudyBuddy thing is WRONG. It is "forbidden". And I know that is why I like it. I have always had a thing for the bad boys, love the thrill of doing things I know are naughty. Just the word "naughty" excites me!
No wonder StudyBuddy was such as easy transition. It was naughty and I needed some naughty in my boring life, or so I thought. I thought it would be just the thrill I needed to make me get that "high" I needed. If there is one thing I have learned, it is that you are only high for so long. Eventually you begin to look for a new high, something that keeps you higher longer. Then you discover you have topped out. Thus, StudyBuddy is losing its appeal. I don't get that "thrill" when we plan study time. I don't know if it doesn't feel as "forbidden" as it did before, or if it is just becoming too real. It is just another man who reminds me that I am in second place. Second to his StudyWife, the study partner he calls whenever it is convenient for him, whenever he can "work me in" to his study schedule. I am too fucked up to handle one dysfunctional relationship and now I plan on juggling TWO?? Please, this is a disaster waiting to happen. I am not mentally stable enough to be rejected by StudyBuddy, and I guess I know it will eventually happen. Maybe I am making it less thrilling just to save myself the hurt in the end, and that is okay by me.
Another part of this new "revelation" is that a friend has starting texting me a lot. We used to work together and we were always flirty. But let's be honest, I am flirty with everyone! He is so sweet. He always make me feel special. BOOOM! That is it....HE MAKES ME FEEL SPECIAL. That is all I want, TO FEEL SPECIAL. Why can I not do it on my own? Why do I need to have someone else validate that I am special? I wish I knew. He is just so damn nice!! He always asks about school, how's work going, how are the kids, etc. He actually seems to give a shit. And he calls me "luv" and "sugar muffin" and "precious". This is highly ironic considering he is covered in tats and has multiple piercings...looks like a tough guy, but is a sweetheart. I think I will call him MohawkMan. He had one once and it was HOT!! I am not attracted to him at all, but I can't help but converse with him if he keeps being so damn sweet.
CougarBoy....makes me feel special. I am almost 40, he is 20 and spends 8 hours a day flirting with me....he makes me feel special. HotDoctor....makes me feel special. He's hot, he flirts....he makes me feel special. StudyBuddy is not making me feel so special right now. Husband....does not make me feel special. Every now and then he will say or do something that catches me off guard, but for most, not special. I am seeing that the pretend relationships are way more stable than the real ones!
New thought: Do I make Husband feel special? I doubt it. I try to be the nice, loving wife who cooks, cleans, and cares for the kids; but making him feel special, I don't know. We have always had the type of relationship that isn't all "lovey dovey" or"huggy kissy", but even when we communicate with words, I don't think we try very hard. Damn, I am confused. I don't even know what I do or don't do in my own marriage....how sad.
Monday, November 22, 2010
November 22, 2010
I just got off the treadmill. I am still sweating as I write this. Husband picked up treadmill, assembled it, and carted off the old one all within a 48 hour period. That, my friend, is a Christmas miracle. The fact that he even gave a rat's ass about my treadmill was amazing. He has really stepped it up a notch lately. BFF says its because I bought all new small, lacy, "cheeky" panties. Either he really likes them, or he is really suspicious. Either one is fine with me as long as things are getting done!
StudyBuddy has acquired a heightened sense of paranoia. However, not enough so that he thinks we should stop studying all together. He only wants to cut out the after class study sessions. Fine by me. They are past my bedtime anyway. Study lunches are still on and they are the best. The amount of studying we can do during lunch time is amazing! The rest of the day I spend on cloud nine. Studying is good for my soul. We plan on studying tomorrow for lunch. Yeahhhhh me!
CougarBoy is still beautiful. When he smiles, I swear, angels sing. He is still with TrifflinHo. Whore. We went out the other night for a friends birthday. He fed me chips and salsa. I liked it. Damn, did I like it.
I think that is all I have for right now. I have to work on my paper for class, and get ready to study tomorrow!
StudyBuddy has acquired a heightened sense of paranoia. However, not enough so that he thinks we should stop studying all together. He only wants to cut out the after class study sessions. Fine by me. They are past my bedtime anyway. Study lunches are still on and they are the best. The amount of studying we can do during lunch time is amazing! The rest of the day I spend on cloud nine. Studying is good for my soul. We plan on studying tomorrow for lunch. Yeahhhhh me!
CougarBoy is still beautiful. When he smiles, I swear, angels sing. He is still with TrifflinHo. Whore. We went out the other night for a friends birthday. He fed me chips and salsa. I liked it. Damn, did I like it.
I think that is all I have for right now. I have to work on my paper for class, and get ready to study tomorrow!
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
November 17, 2010
My treadmill died. It was old. I miss it dearly. I have not run. I need to run. I NEED TO RUN!! I REALLY REALLY REALLY NEED TO RUN!!
I have had no time to write. I need to write. I REALLY NEED TO WRITE!!
I have now discovered that there are two things that help me vent. They also help me to reduce my stress level. Running and writing.
I have a new treadmill. It is at Sears waiting for Husband (or anyone else I can beg) to pick it up. The old treadmill waits to be carried off.
I am stressed. VERY STRESSED. And I have no time to write, have I mentioned that????
I have had no time to write. I need to write. I REALLY NEED TO WRITE!!
I have now discovered that there are two things that help me vent. They also help me to reduce my stress level. Running and writing.
I have a new treadmill. It is at Sears waiting for Husband (or anyone else I can beg) to pick it up. The old treadmill waits to be carried off.
I am stressed. VERY STRESSED. And I have no time to write, have I mentioned that????
Friday, November 5, 2010
November 5, 2010
I am still fucked up. Yes, it has been two weeks (almost) and my life is still as unstable and bazaar as it was. I really had hoped to have made some progress at this point, but somehow, I think I have just made things more insane. Wow. I even try to be an over-achiever in the "add more chaos" department! lol
Weight days have come and gone. Lost one pound. Whoopiedooo. Still running like I am actually getting somewhere,but I am still here when I get off the treadmill. I feel like I should have at least made it to Key West by now. And oh, how I would love to be there.
I have discovered that I continue to attach myself to people with terminal illnesses or at least are one step closer to deaths door than they should be. This causes many tears, sleepless nights, and horrible random thoughts in my head. However, it makes me count my blessings every day. No matter how bad I think my life is, someone always has it worse. Way worse.
Speaking of things along the lines of cancer and such, have I mention that StudyBuddy has battled cancer? That is actually how we started talking. I asked my normal round of ten thousand questions, and viola, we open doors into other conversations. StudyBuddy's story continues to amaze me. So do his studying skills. Last Friday we studied so hard that I wasn't worth a shit for the rest of the weekend. Wow. That's all I can say. Wow. He washed his cell phone, so we have had no contact since school this week. It has made my days very long and boring, but also provided a needed break. I am not sure where this study "thing" is going, nor do I know where I want it to go. Then I even start thinking things like "did he really jack up his phone, or is he sick of me?" or "omg...he can already tell that I am one fucked up individual?" So, I have now added something else to worry about. Thank God for meds.
CougarBoy now has a steady girlfriend. I must say I was not happy when I heard the news. Mainly because from what I know of her, she falls under the category of "trifflin' ho". He did point out that if I was married, he should at least get to date. I couldn't argue with him. He was right. TrifflinHo is now part of my world. Whore. LOL CougarBoy still continues to motivate me to run. And he still writes me poems and leaves little notes on my desk. He makes me feel special. I like that.
HotDoctor continues to be so friggin hot that his mental instability does not matter. I love him. I love him more and more every day. Today, while in his office, I literally watch his eyelashes while he blinked. And noticed there are a few new grey hairs at his temple. And noticed his apple green and white polo could not possibly look better on any other person in the world. I brought him Starbucks back from lunch. Love him. I love him so much that it took someone else to point out the irony of me buying Starbucks for a Doctor who makes more in one day than I do in a year. I just want him to be happy. I want him to be happy with me. Really, is that asking too much??
My real life has made no new progress (SURPRISE!). My marriage is still pitiful. My children are hilarious and precious. My parents still stress me out. But thanks to seeing some of my good friends go through some really hard times right now, I know it could be worse. And I am so glad it is not. At this point in my life, every day that I wake up is a blessing. I may have to search a little harder on some days than others to find that blessing, but blessings they will be.
Weight days have come and gone. Lost one pound. Whoopiedooo. Still running like I am actually getting somewhere,but I am still here when I get off the treadmill. I feel like I should have at least made it to Key West by now. And oh, how I would love to be there.
I have discovered that I continue to attach myself to people with terminal illnesses or at least are one step closer to deaths door than they should be. This causes many tears, sleepless nights, and horrible random thoughts in my head. However, it makes me count my blessings every day. No matter how bad I think my life is, someone always has it worse. Way worse.
Speaking of things along the lines of cancer and such, have I mention that StudyBuddy has battled cancer? That is actually how we started talking. I asked my normal round of ten thousand questions, and viola, we open doors into other conversations. StudyBuddy's story continues to amaze me. So do his studying skills. Last Friday we studied so hard that I wasn't worth a shit for the rest of the weekend. Wow. That's all I can say. Wow. He washed his cell phone, so we have had no contact since school this week. It has made my days very long and boring, but also provided a needed break. I am not sure where this study "thing" is going, nor do I know where I want it to go. Then I even start thinking things like "did he really jack up his phone, or is he sick of me?" or "omg...he can already tell that I am one fucked up individual?" So, I have now added something else to worry about. Thank God for meds.
CougarBoy now has a steady girlfriend. I must say I was not happy when I heard the news. Mainly because from what I know of her, she falls under the category of "trifflin' ho". He did point out that if I was married, he should at least get to date. I couldn't argue with him. He was right. TrifflinHo is now part of my world. Whore. LOL CougarBoy still continues to motivate me to run. And he still writes me poems and leaves little notes on my desk. He makes me feel special. I like that.
HotDoctor continues to be so friggin hot that his mental instability does not matter. I love him. I love him more and more every day. Today, while in his office, I literally watch his eyelashes while he blinked. And noticed there are a few new grey hairs at his temple. And noticed his apple green and white polo could not possibly look better on any other person in the world. I brought him Starbucks back from lunch. Love him. I love him so much that it took someone else to point out the irony of me buying Starbucks for a Doctor who makes more in one day than I do in a year. I just want him to be happy. I want him to be happy with me. Really, is that asking too much??
My real life has made no new progress (SURPRISE!). My marriage is still pitiful. My children are hilarious and precious. My parents still stress me out. But thanks to seeing some of my good friends go through some really hard times right now, I know it could be worse. And I am so glad it is not. At this point in my life, every day that I wake up is a blessing. I may have to search a little harder on some days than others to find that blessing, but blessings they will be.
Saturday, October 23, 2010
October 23.2010
Well, Monday came and went, and in some strange new "budding self-confidence" cloud, I forgot to weigh. WHAT?? Yes, for at least 12 hours of one day I did not care what I weighed. Oh. My. God. Is this the beginning of self esteem?? I CAN ONLY HOPE!!!! Or was it the fact that I was still in somewhat of drunken stupor from going out like areal grown up Saturday night? (I am going with self confidence, even though I think the buzz I was still dealing with may have had something to do with it~)
Last week was somewhat uneventful, other than studying as much as I could. With StudyBuddy (who was SchoolCrush...but StudyBuddy just sounds more fun!). It just makes studying more fun not to do it alone. I am learning more about StudyBuddy with each study session. I am picking up on lots of things, like he makes LOTS of money, he lives in a BIG house, and he is awesome....just in general. However, as I have learned, more money combined with more stuff = more debt. I am not impressed with material things. I would be impressed with a very large checking and savings account though. However, things like that never come up in conversation. Which is good. Especially on my side! lol
HotDoctor and CougarBoy are doing well. HotDoctor and I need group therapy and CougarBoy continues to tell me about his workouts. Wow. I dream about his workouts. They still motivate me to run. And run. And run.
On to the real stuff....blah. Husband has just left the house for the third time in recent weeks with without his phone because "it needs to charge". He is not working, he is just helping someone at the shop. And happens to be unreachable. Is it sad that I actually HOPE he is doing something shady? Maybe I just want to ease my conscious from the "pretend" and "study" world. I don't know. Do I want to know if he is? Not really. I honestly don't think I even care. Having said that, I now realize how sad this marriage is. And, will I ever have the nerve/balls to approach its "shittiness" to Husband? I know he is still clueless. The other day, we had this conversation:
Me: People at work think it is crazy that we never talk to each other throughout the day unless it is an emergency or something.
Husband: I think that is why we get along better than most married people.
Me: You think we get along?
Husband: Yeah, we don't fight or anything.
Then he walked off. Sat there with my mouth hanging opened and realized that it is the "or anything" that sucks. Yes, we don't fight. OR ANYTHING! There is no passion, no humor any more, no smiles, no questions, no answers, no acknowledgement, no ANYTHING!! And THAT sucks.
It is hard to believe that as screwed up as we are, we (and of course, God) managed to make such awesome kids! Kids are great! Right now they are actually letting me blog without trying to kill each other. I am thankful for the little things like that everyday. As we all know, my main goal is to not fuck them up. Thus far, they are doing great. They are both funny and SUPER creative. GirlChild has her diva moments, but so do I! lol
All in all, YES, my life is still bizarre. I am still running. I still have pretend boy friends. I still love studying with StudyBuddy. I still weighed, not on Monday (so it doesn't count). I still cry at night. And I still sometimes fall asleep with a naughty little smile on my face.
Last week was somewhat uneventful, other than studying as much as I could. With StudyBuddy (who was SchoolCrush...but StudyBuddy just sounds more fun!). It just makes studying more fun not to do it alone. I am learning more about StudyBuddy with each study session. I am picking up on lots of things, like he makes LOTS of money, he lives in a BIG house, and he is awesome....just in general. However, as I have learned, more money combined with more stuff = more debt. I am not impressed with material things. I would be impressed with a very large checking and savings account though. However, things like that never come up in conversation. Which is good. Especially on my side! lol
HotDoctor and CougarBoy are doing well. HotDoctor and I need group therapy and CougarBoy continues to tell me about his workouts. Wow. I dream about his workouts. They still motivate me to run. And run. And run.
On to the real stuff....blah. Husband has just left the house for the third time in recent weeks with without his phone because "it needs to charge". He is not working, he is just helping someone at the shop. And happens to be unreachable. Is it sad that I actually HOPE he is doing something shady? Maybe I just want to ease my conscious from the "pretend" and "study" world. I don't know. Do I want to know if he is? Not really. I honestly don't think I even care. Having said that, I now realize how sad this marriage is. And, will I ever have the nerve/balls to approach its "shittiness" to Husband? I know he is still clueless. The other day, we had this conversation:
Me: People at work think it is crazy that we never talk to each other throughout the day unless it is an emergency or something.
Husband: I think that is why we get along better than most married people.
Me: You think we get along?
Husband: Yeah, we don't fight or anything.
Then he walked off. Sat there with my mouth hanging opened and realized that it is the "or anything" that sucks. Yes, we don't fight. OR ANYTHING! There is no passion, no humor any more, no smiles, no questions, no answers, no acknowledgement, no ANYTHING!! And THAT sucks.
It is hard to believe that as screwed up as we are, we (and of course, God) managed to make such awesome kids! Kids are great! Right now they are actually letting me blog without trying to kill each other. I am thankful for the little things like that everyday. As we all know, my main goal is to not fuck them up. Thus far, they are doing great. They are both funny and SUPER creative. GirlChild has her diva moments, but so do I! lol
All in all, YES, my life is still bizarre. I am still running. I still have pretend boy friends. I still love studying with StudyBuddy. I still weighed, not on Monday (so it doesn't count). I still cry at night. And I still sometimes fall asleep with a naughty little smile on my face.
Saturday, October 16, 2010
October 16, 2010
Wow! I did not realize how long it had been since I have blogged. I weighed Monday and had agained a pound. I am chalking it up to PMS and not enough time to run lately. Not enough time to do ANYTHING lately. So goes my life...lol
Many things have occured, some in pretend world, some in the real world. In the real world, Husband and I actually talked last night. We talked about when we first knew we were in love with each other and how much we liked each other. I looked at him and said "What the hell happened to us? Are we just old and tired and don't care anymore?". He looked at me with a blank stare. Suprise, he has no idea we have issues. Great, now I am going to have to approach our relationship from the stand point that he has NO IDEA that I am not happy. I thought I was FOR SURE sending off signs! Obviously, every other person on each has noticed except Husband. Jeez! I guess one day when I grow the balls to tell him, I will at least be ready for the shock of him not knowing. Double jeez!
Pretend world has been VERY busy. SchoolCrush has taken the #1 lead in ranking of pretend relationships. We text a lot now, and he makes me laugh, A LOT! (which ironically, was one of the things I loved about Husband when I met him!). We are also now study buddies. And we tend to study a lot now. We should never fall below a 4.0 at this point, and I will leave it at that.
HotDoctor is still as fucked up as I am. Our unstable pretend relationship sometimes sucks the life out of me. I accidentally asked another Doctor (we will call him FunnyDoctor...because he cracks me up!) a question in front of HotDoctor and I thought I would never hear the end of it. Usually, anything that involves HotDoctor paying me lots of attention is exciting, but this wore me down. He is needier than ME!! He is HOT. He is a doctor. He has tons of money and a beautiful family....WTF??!! I brought him a Starbucks from lunch to smooth it over. It worked AND I managed to get a big hug out of it. It was worth the pretend drama.
CougarBoy still says he wants to marry me if I ever get divorced. We laugh at this like it will never happen, but you never know. I can't wait to see his face the day I tell him it is happening. I feel sure he will retract the offer, but for now, it is all pretend! lol His body still inspires me to run. And run. And run.
And now, back to the real world. BoyChild has rekindled his relationship with Thomas the Train, and I am not happy. Thomas is a better choice that watching TV like a zombie or tuning out life for the DS, but it is still annoying. In BoyChilds first Thomas affair, he did not know where we kept the batteries, how to get them, or how to use them. Now he does. Damn. I do LOVE the fact that BoyChild is intelligent and witty, but sometimes he gets the advantage over us. BoyChild says the funniest thing and keeps me on my toes...it is like he actually GETS grown up life and what it is all about. That kinda breaks my heart because he needs to be a kid, but I guess that is where Thomas comes in. I guess I should be grateful for that damn train! lol
GirlChild is just me made over. She is sassy and hilarious. She is smarter than she acts, which she uses to her advantage. She is chatty ALL THE TIME, always wants to be in the middle of everything, knows whats best for everybody, and yearns to be the boss. And I get it. I really do. I basically feel the same way deep down inside, but have hushed that part of me because nobody ever listened. So I listen to her. I want her to be assertive and self-confident. I want her REAL life to be so fabulous she doesn't need the pretend ones. Basically, I just try my best every day NOT to fuck her up like me. I am not sure when or where, but someone (maybe even myself) stole my self-love and self confidence. I don't want to be the one that steals hers AND I want to keep someone from doing it. If I could put her in a protective bubble, I would.
BFF is having a baby GIRL!! I am so excited about BabyBFF (had it been a boy, it would have been BFFJr.)! I can hear the excitment in BFF's voice when I talk to her. She SO deserves this bundle of happiness! I can't wait to me an Aunt/BabyDaddy! :) I am already picking out things to be monogrammed...and in toile! lol
Wow, I think I covered EVERYTHING, so that is all for now! Monday is weigh day, so we will see what happens then!
Many things have occured, some in pretend world, some in the real world. In the real world, Husband and I actually talked last night. We talked about when we first knew we were in love with each other and how much we liked each other. I looked at him and said "What the hell happened to us? Are we just old and tired and don't care anymore?". He looked at me with a blank stare. Suprise, he has no idea we have issues. Great, now I am going to have to approach our relationship from the stand point that he has NO IDEA that I am not happy. I thought I was FOR SURE sending off signs! Obviously, every other person on each has noticed except Husband. Jeez! I guess one day when I grow the balls to tell him, I will at least be ready for the shock of him not knowing. Double jeez!
Pretend world has been VERY busy. SchoolCrush has taken the #1 lead in ranking of pretend relationships. We text a lot now, and he makes me laugh, A LOT! (which ironically, was one of the things I loved about Husband when I met him!). We are also now study buddies. And we tend to study a lot now. We should never fall below a 4.0 at this point, and I will leave it at that.
HotDoctor is still as fucked up as I am. Our unstable pretend relationship sometimes sucks the life out of me. I accidentally asked another Doctor (we will call him FunnyDoctor...because he cracks me up!) a question in front of HotDoctor and I thought I would never hear the end of it. Usually, anything that involves HotDoctor paying me lots of attention is exciting, but this wore me down. He is needier than ME!! He is HOT. He is a doctor. He has tons of money and a beautiful family....WTF??!! I brought him a Starbucks from lunch to smooth it over. It worked AND I managed to get a big hug out of it. It was worth the pretend drama.
CougarBoy still says he wants to marry me if I ever get divorced. We laugh at this like it will never happen, but you never know. I can't wait to see his face the day I tell him it is happening. I feel sure he will retract the offer, but for now, it is all pretend! lol His body still inspires me to run. And run. And run.
And now, back to the real world. BoyChild has rekindled his relationship with Thomas the Train, and I am not happy. Thomas is a better choice that watching TV like a zombie or tuning out life for the DS, but it is still annoying. In BoyChilds first Thomas affair, he did not know where we kept the batteries, how to get them, or how to use them. Now he does. Damn. I do LOVE the fact that BoyChild is intelligent and witty, but sometimes he gets the advantage over us. BoyChild says the funniest thing and keeps me on my toes...it is like he actually GETS grown up life and what it is all about. That kinda breaks my heart because he needs to be a kid, but I guess that is where Thomas comes in. I guess I should be grateful for that damn train! lol
GirlChild is just me made over. She is sassy and hilarious. She is smarter than she acts, which she uses to her advantage. She is chatty ALL THE TIME, always wants to be in the middle of everything, knows whats best for everybody, and yearns to be the boss. And I get it. I really do. I basically feel the same way deep down inside, but have hushed that part of me because nobody ever listened. So I listen to her. I want her to be assertive and self-confident. I want her REAL life to be so fabulous she doesn't need the pretend ones. Basically, I just try my best every day NOT to fuck her up like me. I am not sure when or where, but someone (maybe even myself) stole my self-love and self confidence. I don't want to be the one that steals hers AND I want to keep someone from doing it. If I could put her in a protective bubble, I would.
BFF is having a baby GIRL!! I am so excited about BabyBFF (had it been a boy, it would have been BFFJr.)! I can hear the excitment in BFF's voice when I talk to her. She SO deserves this bundle of happiness! I can't wait to me an Aunt/BabyDaddy! :) I am already picking out things to be monogrammed...and in toile! lol
Wow, I think I covered EVERYTHING, so that is all for now! Monday is weigh day, so we will see what happens then!
Monday, October 4, 2010
October 4, 2010
Here is the official Monday morning weight in results....7 pounds! WOOOHOOO! It only took me almost 3 weeks to do it. Womens bodies are soooo crazy. A man can drop 10 lbs in 2 days and ours store it up and it all comes off 3 weeks later. And they wonder why women are more emotional than most men. Our bodies fuck with us. What's up with that ("ohhhhhh, whats up with that, yeah, whats up with that??"...from a SNL skit!!...yes, random thoughts are normal for me!)
Back to me being SEVEN POUNDS less! I am truly motivated now because I actually see results. And I love running. This is all for now I have to go to work and juggle all my pretend relationships....whew, what a busy day! ;)
Back to me being SEVEN POUNDS less! I am truly motivated now because I actually see results. And I love running. This is all for now I have to go to work and juggle all my pretend relationships....whew, what a busy day! ;)
Saturday, October 2, 2010
October 2, 2010...update
I drove past Starbuck's TWICE without getting my favorite, high calorie frappuchino!! I got NOTHING!! Is this what self-control is? I've never had any, so I have no idea! OMG...baby steps....
October 2, 2010
NEWS FLASH...I have lost 4 pounds! YEAHHHHH! OK, so it took 4 months(or actually over a year!). It is still 4 pounds GONE! I literally broke out my reading glasses this morning to re-read the scale. They confirmed the 4 pounds. Finally. I feel as if this is just the beginning. I now am super motivated and encouraged! Woot woot!!
I am still running. I love it! It is so awesome, even though it does burn the ol' legs and cause me to lay on the ol' heating pad, it is SO worth it. Less and less jiggle every time I run. OMG...I think I may be addicted! Finally, an addiction to something that is not HARMFUL!! lol What is I can give up my ice cream addiction for a treadmill addiction....OMG....that is too much to even comprehend! (Needless to say, I am easily excitable this morning! LOL)
Visited my doctor on Monday. We switched up my happy pill and kept my crack like diet pill. New happy pill has made a HUGE difference in my attitude and hunger. Cymbalta, where have you been all my life?? lol
All the pretend boyfriends are good. Pretend relationships still going strong. I even have added SchoolCrush to the mix. I mean, it is four hours on Tuesday nights, why not have a pretend boyfriend for that one night a week? lol (Yes, I know I need therapy...maybe I can take up a "love offering" from all the pretend boyfriends to cover the cost, I mean, one IS a doctor!) SchoolCrush is hilarious. We text during class, making fun of our professor and other people. Sometimes it is very hard not to bust out laughing. I forgot how important laughing is...at all times.
Husband and I seem to be trying a little harder to make an effort. I do realize now that I had basically given up and really put no effort forth at all. We will see what happens. BoyChild and GirlChild are doing well in school. GirlChild is really good a "creating" (I am trying not to so say LYING)stories and interesting characters. I wonder is she too has a pretend world. At least she realizes how important it is at an early age..lol!! BoyChild continues to want to wear his pj's 24/7, but yet reads on a 5th grade level (in 2nd grade). My children are definitely as bizarre as I am!
I haven't covered this yet, but my BFF (and closest thing to a sister, and someone who knows ALL my secrets, and my "fun mentor", and the one I call when I am at my highest, and the one I call when I am at my lowest, and there are so many more AND's, I could go on forever...) is pregnant. She did it the old fashioned way, artificial insemination. I am so excited for her I can hardly stand it! After 15 years of marriage and 7 years of motherhood, I believe she has done this the best way...by herself! Well, not really by herself. I know that there are so many of us that love her and can't wait to help her raise BFF Jr. that she will never be alone. BFF, you are my hero! (BFF is also President of the Cougar Club! lol)
Well, I have all day today and tomorrow to be Wife and Mommy. Monday morning starts work and pretend world. Both are equally exhausting, but well worth it! I get my "roots did" today and think I might just pick a new "fall color" for my hair. I mean, I am letting it grow out, so to fill the "new hair" void, I just HAVE to change color, right? AND, since Starbucks is on the way there, I just HAVE to get a Frappachino, right? Right.
I am still running. I love it! It is so awesome, even though it does burn the ol' legs and cause me to lay on the ol' heating pad, it is SO worth it. Less and less jiggle every time I run. OMG...I think I may be addicted! Finally, an addiction to something that is not HARMFUL!! lol What is I can give up my ice cream addiction for a treadmill addiction....OMG....that is too much to even comprehend! (Needless to say, I am easily excitable this morning! LOL)
Visited my doctor on Monday. We switched up my happy pill and kept my crack like diet pill. New happy pill has made a HUGE difference in my attitude and hunger. Cymbalta, where have you been all my life?? lol
All the pretend boyfriends are good. Pretend relationships still going strong. I even have added SchoolCrush to the mix. I mean, it is four hours on Tuesday nights, why not have a pretend boyfriend for that one night a week? lol (Yes, I know I need therapy...maybe I can take up a "love offering" from all the pretend boyfriends to cover the cost, I mean, one IS a doctor!) SchoolCrush is hilarious. We text during class, making fun of our professor and other people. Sometimes it is very hard not to bust out laughing. I forgot how important laughing is...at all times.
Husband and I seem to be trying a little harder to make an effort. I do realize now that I had basically given up and really put no effort forth at all. We will see what happens. BoyChild and GirlChild are doing well in school. GirlChild is really good a "creating" (I am trying not to so say LYING)stories and interesting characters. I wonder is she too has a pretend world. At least she realizes how important it is at an early age..lol!! BoyChild continues to want to wear his pj's 24/7, but yet reads on a 5th grade level (in 2nd grade). My children are definitely as bizarre as I am!
I haven't covered this yet, but my BFF (and closest thing to a sister, and someone who knows ALL my secrets, and my "fun mentor", and the one I call when I am at my highest, and the one I call when I am at my lowest, and there are so many more AND's, I could go on forever...) is pregnant. She did it the old fashioned way, artificial insemination. I am so excited for her I can hardly stand it! After 15 years of marriage and 7 years of motherhood, I believe she has done this the best way...by herself! Well, not really by herself. I know that there are so many of us that love her and can't wait to help her raise BFF Jr. that she will never be alone. BFF, you are my hero! (BFF is also President of the Cougar Club! lol)
Well, I have all day today and tomorrow to be Wife and Mommy. Monday morning starts work and pretend world. Both are equally exhausting, but well worth it! I get my "roots did" today and think I might just pick a new "fall color" for my hair. I mean, I am letting it grow out, so to fill the "new hair" void, I just HAVE to change color, right? AND, since Starbucks is on the way there, I just HAVE to get a Frappachino, right? Right.
Friday, September 24, 2010
September 24, 2010
Today has been the kind of day that makes me feel confident that I am bipolar. I have no idea how I can go from happy and giggly to sad and disappointed in a matter of 2 seconds. And for no apparent reason. What the crap??
I have been running (yes, I said RUNNING!) on the treadmill. It is invigorating and therapeutic. I put my MP3 player in, tune the world out, and go to it. The sweat and the burn feel good. Nobody messes with me because they know I can't hear them. It is sometimes glorious!
However, today, I realized that is seems that EVERYONE around me is losing weight, except me. Maybe it is just the fact that I have been throwing myself a big ol' pity party all day....but I swear EVERYONE I see looks smaller. Even the other people I know that are taking phentermine (diet pill/crack) AND have been taking it a shorter amount of time are SMALLER! WTF?? It can be so damn discouraging!
Thanks goodness I have a Doctor's appointment on Monday. I may just need a new "happy pill". Or a life change. Or pack my shit and run away. Needless to say, the search for "happiness" was a bust today. Except for the part when XRGuy decided it would be fun to sneak right up behind me (and I mean RIGHT UP) and sniff me neck. And run his face across the back of my neck. Wow. That was AWESOME. Growing my hair out was SO worth it today...putting it up in a ponytail must make my neck look appealing....hallelujah!! I plan on wearing it up everyday now. Seriously. It was THAT awesome. I thingled inplaces I haven't tingled in a while. A long while.
That is all I have for today. I have already taken a Xanax so I would not kill GirlChild. Or Husband. Now I just want to sleep. That is my plan for now!
I have been running (yes, I said RUNNING!) on the treadmill. It is invigorating and therapeutic. I put my MP3 player in, tune the world out, and go to it. The sweat and the burn feel good. Nobody messes with me because they know I can't hear them. It is sometimes glorious!
However, today, I realized that is seems that EVERYONE around me is losing weight, except me. Maybe it is just the fact that I have been throwing myself a big ol' pity party all day....but I swear EVERYONE I see looks smaller. Even the other people I know that are taking phentermine (diet pill/crack) AND have been taking it a shorter amount of time are SMALLER! WTF?? It can be so damn discouraging!
Thanks goodness I have a Doctor's appointment on Monday. I may just need a new "happy pill". Or a life change. Or pack my shit and run away. Needless to say, the search for "happiness" was a bust today. Except for the part when XRGuy decided it would be fun to sneak right up behind me (and I mean RIGHT UP) and sniff me neck. And run his face across the back of my neck. Wow. That was AWESOME. Growing my hair out was SO worth it today...putting it up in a ponytail must make my neck look appealing....hallelujah!! I plan on wearing it up everyday now. Seriously. It was THAT awesome. I thingled inplaces I haven't tingled in a while. A long while.
That is all I have for today. I have already taken a Xanax so I would not kill GirlChild. Or Husband. Now I just want to sleep. That is my plan for now!
Saturday, September 18, 2010
september 18....part 2
I have now ran on the treadmill. Granted, it was only 15 minutes, but I did not go into cardiac arrest as I had anticipated. Actually, it felt great and I may even do it again today!
Husband, Boy Child, Girl Child, and I all went to a birthday party as a family. We actually had fun! I did eat cake and ice cream, but I am sure I ran it off on treadmill (yes, I realize that defeats the purpose of treadmill)!
Husband, Boy Child, Girl Child, and I all went to a birthday party as a family. We actually had fun! I did eat cake and ice cream, but I am sure I ran it off on treadmill (yes, I realize that defeats the purpose of treadmill)!
September 18, 2010
Breaking news......I have managed to cram a treadmill into my bedroom. Since not much (or any) exercise is done in my bedroom anymore, I decided to change that. I can now run away. I just won't get very far. Cougar Boy at work talks about how much he loves to run on his treadmill, it's like therapy for him. After I drift off and imagine him running, sweaty and hot, six pack abs glistening, I think "maybe that's what I should do...run off some frustration". Today is day one of treadmill, so far I haven't gotten on it, but I have big plans.
Right now I weight 186. So does Cougar Boy. He's 6' 4".....I am not. I want to weight 150. Only 36 pounds to go.
All the pretend relationships are still going strong. It is just the real ones that I have problems with. As soon as I finally get up the courage to tell Husband that I am not quite happy (or at all happy), he steps it up and does the fifty things I have asked him to do for over a month now. We even sat on the couch the other night together and laughed. It felt good, but had been a really long time. I think laughing is very important (and I hear it burns calories!). I know that we are VERY different, but I know at one point we had some things in common. I just have no idea what they were!
Is that going to be a key to happiness? Remembering what began our relationship, or doing what it takes to end it? Who knows. I know I don't. I know that kids change the dynamics of a relationship, so that just confuses me even more. My goal is to screw Boy Child and Girl Child up as little as possible.
For now, I will work on getting on the treadmill. And eating less. And solving my marital issues. And not screwing up the kids. And try to take time to laugh more.
Right now I weight 186. So does Cougar Boy. He's 6' 4".....I am not. I want to weight 150. Only 36 pounds to go.
All the pretend relationships are still going strong. It is just the real ones that I have problems with. As soon as I finally get up the courage to tell Husband that I am not quite happy (or at all happy), he steps it up and does the fifty things I have asked him to do for over a month now. We even sat on the couch the other night together and laughed. It felt good, but had been a really long time. I think laughing is very important (and I hear it burns calories!). I know that we are VERY different, but I know at one point we had some things in common. I just have no idea what they were!
Is that going to be a key to happiness? Remembering what began our relationship, or doing what it takes to end it? Who knows. I know I don't. I know that kids change the dynamics of a relationship, so that just confuses me even more. My goal is to screw Boy Child and Girl Child up as little as possible.
For now, I will work on getting on the treadmill. And eating less. And solving my marital issues. And not screwing up the kids. And try to take time to laugh more.
Saturday, September 11, 2010
September 11, 2010
Well, I have worked so hard on the Two Year Plan that I had completely forgot about it. I had decided to start a blog so that I could "release" some stress in a healthy manner (you know, instead of smoking crack or drinking heavily all the time...). Imagine my suprise when I started to "register" and already had an account! I think that is a prime example of why I need to start writing things down. Obviously the beginning stages of Alzheimers is kicking in!
I suppose I will start off by telling you what I have accomplished since setting those goals:
I have let my hair grow out. I can actually put it in a ponytail.....it has been YEARS since I could do that! However, I actually have to "fix" it now. I feel like I blow it dry for an hour every morning, which cuts into my "checking Facebook" time, but I guess you have to sacrifice some things.
I am a college student again. I will graduated this time next year with a degree in Business Management. I have class one night a week til 10 pm. 10 pm is about 2 hours past the time I like to be laying down. Thanks to Starbucks, I am able to make it that one night a week. I love being back in school and it keeps me busy (because I wasn't busy enough already...lol).
As far as finding happiness, I am still clueless. I always think that losing weight will make me feel great about myself, thus leading to happiness. I have probably lost 4 pounds over all. Wow, what a feat. Needless to say, I haven't gotten to try out that theory.
I still have the junior high crush on Hot Doctor. Now he participates in my "pretend relationship". Obviously he is as needy/messed up as I am, which I find hard to believe since he is a hot doctor. Does this mean good looks, smarts, and money can't make you self-confident? Man, I am screwed. Oh, and if our pretend relationship isn't strange enough, it is now some sort of a pretend love triangle because I now have a "cougar like" crush on the new 20 year old at work. (Yes, I do realize I need therapy...and lots of it). Cougar Boy is so pretty to look at and he is a flirter too. Did I mention that I love my job?
Other than that, absolutely nothing has changed. I struggle every morning getting the kids ready for school. I will never comprehend the fact that EVERY morning we get ready (just like the day before, and the day before that) but they seem to have forgotten the process during thier sleep. It's all new, EVERY morning. What?!? Brush our teeth?!? Eat breakfast?!? What is all this crazy stuff mom is talking about?!? It is like Drew Barrymore's character in "50 First Dates". Maybe I should make a video for them to watch every morning.
The Husband still manages to not understand why I would ask him to help me do things. I mean, why should he do anything if I can do it ALL? I am popping Xanax like Pez candies to keep from putting a pillow over his head.
So, that is where my life is right now. Xanax, pretend relationships, Facebook, and more Xanax are the things keeping me from being a "this just breaking...." story on the news. God says I'm gonna make...He really does. I know I will, but dang, I'm gonna need a nap when I do.
I suppose I will start off by telling you what I have accomplished since setting those goals:
I have let my hair grow out. I can actually put it in a ponytail.....it has been YEARS since I could do that! However, I actually have to "fix" it now. I feel like I blow it dry for an hour every morning, which cuts into my "checking Facebook" time, but I guess you have to sacrifice some things.
I am a college student again. I will graduated this time next year with a degree in Business Management. I have class one night a week til 10 pm. 10 pm is about 2 hours past the time I like to be laying down. Thanks to Starbucks, I am able to make it that one night a week. I love being back in school and it keeps me busy (because I wasn't busy enough already...lol).
As far as finding happiness, I am still clueless. I always think that losing weight will make me feel great about myself, thus leading to happiness. I have probably lost 4 pounds over all. Wow, what a feat. Needless to say, I haven't gotten to try out that theory.
I still have the junior high crush on Hot Doctor. Now he participates in my "pretend relationship". Obviously he is as needy/messed up as I am, which I find hard to believe since he is a hot doctor. Does this mean good looks, smarts, and money can't make you self-confident? Man, I am screwed. Oh, and if our pretend relationship isn't strange enough, it is now some sort of a pretend love triangle because I now have a "cougar like" crush on the new 20 year old at work. (Yes, I do realize I need therapy...and lots of it). Cougar Boy is so pretty to look at and he is a flirter too. Did I mention that I love my job?
Other than that, absolutely nothing has changed. I struggle every morning getting the kids ready for school. I will never comprehend the fact that EVERY morning we get ready (just like the day before, and the day before that) but they seem to have forgotten the process during thier sleep. It's all new, EVERY morning. What?!? Brush our teeth?!? Eat breakfast?!? What is all this crazy stuff mom is talking about?!? It is like Drew Barrymore's character in "50 First Dates". Maybe I should make a video for them to watch every morning.
The Husband still manages to not understand why I would ask him to help me do things. I mean, why should he do anything if I can do it ALL? I am popping Xanax like Pez candies to keep from putting a pillow over his head.
So, that is where my life is right now. Xanax, pretend relationships, Facebook, and more Xanax are the things keeping me from being a "this just breaking...." story on the news. God says I'm gonna make...He really does. I know I will, but dang, I'm gonna need a nap when I do.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)