Today has been the kind of day that makes me feel confident that I am bipolar. I have no idea how I can go from happy and giggly to sad and disappointed in a matter of 2 seconds. And for no apparent reason. What the crap??
I have been running (yes, I said RUNNING!) on the treadmill. It is invigorating and therapeutic. I put my MP3 player in, tune the world out, and go to it. The sweat and the burn feel good. Nobody messes with me because they know I can't hear them. It is sometimes glorious!
However, today, I realized that is seems that EVERYONE around me is losing weight, except me. Maybe it is just the fact that I have been throwing myself a big ol' pity party all day....but I swear EVERYONE I see looks smaller. Even the other people I know that are taking phentermine (diet pill/crack) AND have been taking it a shorter amount of time are SMALLER! WTF?? It can be so damn discouraging!
Thanks goodness I have a Doctor's appointment on Monday. I may just need a new "happy pill". Or a life change. Or pack my shit and run away. Needless to say, the search for "happiness" was a bust today. Except for the part when XRGuy decided it would be fun to sneak right up behind me (and I mean RIGHT UP) and sniff me neck. And run his face across the back of my neck. Wow. That was AWESOME. Growing my hair out was SO worth it today...putting it up in a ponytail must make my neck look appealing....hallelujah!! I plan on wearing it up everyday now. Seriously. It was THAT awesome. I thingled inplaces I haven't tingled in a while. A long while.
That is all I have for today. I have already taken a Xanax so I would not kill GirlChild. Or Husband. Now I just want to sleep. That is my plan for now!
Friday, September 24, 2010
Saturday, September 18, 2010
september 18....part 2
I have now ran on the treadmill. Granted, it was only 15 minutes, but I did not go into cardiac arrest as I had anticipated. Actually, it felt great and I may even do it again today!
Husband, Boy Child, Girl Child, and I all went to a birthday party as a family. We actually had fun! I did eat cake and ice cream, but I am sure I ran it off on treadmill (yes, I realize that defeats the purpose of treadmill)!
Husband, Boy Child, Girl Child, and I all went to a birthday party as a family. We actually had fun! I did eat cake and ice cream, but I am sure I ran it off on treadmill (yes, I realize that defeats the purpose of treadmill)!
September 18, 2010
Breaking news......I have managed to cram a treadmill into my bedroom. Since not much (or any) exercise is done in my bedroom anymore, I decided to change that. I can now run away. I just won't get very far. Cougar Boy at work talks about how much he loves to run on his treadmill, it's like therapy for him. After I drift off and imagine him running, sweaty and hot, six pack abs glistening, I think "maybe that's what I should do...run off some frustration". Today is day one of treadmill, so far I haven't gotten on it, but I have big plans.
Right now I weight 186. So does Cougar Boy. He's 6' 4".....I am not. I want to weight 150. Only 36 pounds to go.
All the pretend relationships are still going strong. It is just the real ones that I have problems with. As soon as I finally get up the courage to tell Husband that I am not quite happy (or at all happy), he steps it up and does the fifty things I have asked him to do for over a month now. We even sat on the couch the other night together and laughed. It felt good, but had been a really long time. I think laughing is very important (and I hear it burns calories!). I know that we are VERY different, but I know at one point we had some things in common. I just have no idea what they were!
Is that going to be a key to happiness? Remembering what began our relationship, or doing what it takes to end it? Who knows. I know I don't. I know that kids change the dynamics of a relationship, so that just confuses me even more. My goal is to screw Boy Child and Girl Child up as little as possible.
For now, I will work on getting on the treadmill. And eating less. And solving my marital issues. And not screwing up the kids. And try to take time to laugh more.
Right now I weight 186. So does Cougar Boy. He's 6' 4".....I am not. I want to weight 150. Only 36 pounds to go.
All the pretend relationships are still going strong. It is just the real ones that I have problems with. As soon as I finally get up the courage to tell Husband that I am not quite happy (or at all happy), he steps it up and does the fifty things I have asked him to do for over a month now. We even sat on the couch the other night together and laughed. It felt good, but had been a really long time. I think laughing is very important (and I hear it burns calories!). I know that we are VERY different, but I know at one point we had some things in common. I just have no idea what they were!
Is that going to be a key to happiness? Remembering what began our relationship, or doing what it takes to end it? Who knows. I know I don't. I know that kids change the dynamics of a relationship, so that just confuses me even more. My goal is to screw Boy Child and Girl Child up as little as possible.
For now, I will work on getting on the treadmill. And eating less. And solving my marital issues. And not screwing up the kids. And try to take time to laugh more.
Saturday, September 11, 2010
September 11, 2010
Well, I have worked so hard on the Two Year Plan that I had completely forgot about it. I had decided to start a blog so that I could "release" some stress in a healthy manner (you know, instead of smoking crack or drinking heavily all the time...). Imagine my suprise when I started to "register" and already had an account! I think that is a prime example of why I need to start writing things down. Obviously the beginning stages of Alzheimers is kicking in!
I suppose I will start off by telling you what I have accomplished since setting those goals:
I have let my hair grow out. I can actually put it in a ponytail.....it has been YEARS since I could do that! However, I actually have to "fix" it now. I feel like I blow it dry for an hour every morning, which cuts into my "checking Facebook" time, but I guess you have to sacrifice some things.
I am a college student again. I will graduated this time next year with a degree in Business Management. I have class one night a week til 10 pm. 10 pm is about 2 hours past the time I like to be laying down. Thanks to Starbucks, I am able to make it that one night a week. I love being back in school and it keeps me busy (because I wasn't busy enough already...lol).
As far as finding happiness, I am still clueless. I always think that losing weight will make me feel great about myself, thus leading to happiness. I have probably lost 4 pounds over all. Wow, what a feat. Needless to say, I haven't gotten to try out that theory.
I still have the junior high crush on Hot Doctor. Now he participates in my "pretend relationship". Obviously he is as needy/messed up as I am, which I find hard to believe since he is a hot doctor. Does this mean good looks, smarts, and money can't make you self-confident? Man, I am screwed. Oh, and if our pretend relationship isn't strange enough, it is now some sort of a pretend love triangle because I now have a "cougar like" crush on the new 20 year old at work. (Yes, I do realize I need therapy...and lots of it). Cougar Boy is so pretty to look at and he is a flirter too. Did I mention that I love my job?
Other than that, absolutely nothing has changed. I struggle every morning getting the kids ready for school. I will never comprehend the fact that EVERY morning we get ready (just like the day before, and the day before that) but they seem to have forgotten the process during thier sleep. It's all new, EVERY morning. What?!? Brush our teeth?!? Eat breakfast?!? What is all this crazy stuff mom is talking about?!? It is like Drew Barrymore's character in "50 First Dates". Maybe I should make a video for them to watch every morning.
The Husband still manages to not understand why I would ask him to help me do things. I mean, why should he do anything if I can do it ALL? I am popping Xanax like Pez candies to keep from putting a pillow over his head.
So, that is where my life is right now. Xanax, pretend relationships, Facebook, and more Xanax are the things keeping me from being a "this just breaking...." story on the news. God says I'm gonna make...He really does. I know I will, but dang, I'm gonna need a nap when I do.
I suppose I will start off by telling you what I have accomplished since setting those goals:
I have let my hair grow out. I can actually put it in a ponytail.....it has been YEARS since I could do that! However, I actually have to "fix" it now. I feel like I blow it dry for an hour every morning, which cuts into my "checking Facebook" time, but I guess you have to sacrifice some things.
I am a college student again. I will graduated this time next year with a degree in Business Management. I have class one night a week til 10 pm. 10 pm is about 2 hours past the time I like to be laying down. Thanks to Starbucks, I am able to make it that one night a week. I love being back in school and it keeps me busy (because I wasn't busy enough already...lol).
As far as finding happiness, I am still clueless. I always think that losing weight will make me feel great about myself, thus leading to happiness. I have probably lost 4 pounds over all. Wow, what a feat. Needless to say, I haven't gotten to try out that theory.
I still have the junior high crush on Hot Doctor. Now he participates in my "pretend relationship". Obviously he is as needy/messed up as I am, which I find hard to believe since he is a hot doctor. Does this mean good looks, smarts, and money can't make you self-confident? Man, I am screwed. Oh, and if our pretend relationship isn't strange enough, it is now some sort of a pretend love triangle because I now have a "cougar like" crush on the new 20 year old at work. (Yes, I do realize I need therapy...and lots of it). Cougar Boy is so pretty to look at and he is a flirter too. Did I mention that I love my job?
Other than that, absolutely nothing has changed. I struggle every morning getting the kids ready for school. I will never comprehend the fact that EVERY morning we get ready (just like the day before, and the day before that) but they seem to have forgotten the process during thier sleep. It's all new, EVERY morning. What?!? Brush our teeth?!? Eat breakfast?!? What is all this crazy stuff mom is talking about?!? It is like Drew Barrymore's character in "50 First Dates". Maybe I should make a video for them to watch every morning.
The Husband still manages to not understand why I would ask him to help me do things. I mean, why should he do anything if I can do it ALL? I am popping Xanax like Pez candies to keep from putting a pillow over his head.
So, that is where my life is right now. Xanax, pretend relationships, Facebook, and more Xanax are the things keeping me from being a "this just breaking...." story on the news. God says I'm gonna make...He really does. I know I will, but dang, I'm gonna need a nap when I do.
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